Dear Faux Hawk Wearers

I sincerely hope you understand that you are sporting this decade's version of the Flock of Seagulls haircut.  Remember that jheri curls were in at one point too, and Achey Breaky hair burned too brightly and died out far too soon. Faux Hawks are like every Green Day album after Nimrod.  They want to be punk, but are terrified of going too extreme so they become some generic hodgepodge of awful banality. 

In college, I had an honest to God, razor to the sides of my head mohawk.  I had it for a week and it looked almost as terrible as that hot mess you have sculpted from your highlighted grease nest.  I feel like you just put up a giant sign on your head saying "Hit me with a shovel.  I may not even feel it."

Please understand that what you are doing could easily just be called a "Top Mullet".  Feel tough now, hotshot?  Know what is even tougher?  Not spending you money on "hair product" and taking precious time to style your hair into that eyesore.

I am not advocating poor personal grooming.  I am simply saying there is no reason to do anything more than run a comb through your hair.  Anything more and you are just masturbating your vanity.

Wanna throw it back at me?  I take some time in the morning to shave my head.  Sure, that is for vanity reasons.  I started going bald at 21 and grey at 27.   I got dealt a bad hand, and did something about it.

Here's a list of people that shave their heads- Yul Brenner, Dwight Eisenhower, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Ghandi, Patrick Stewart, Michael Chiklis, and Bryan Cranston.

Here's a list of people with Faux Hawks- Clay Aiken.

Checkmate, douchebag.