Why do you have to be so small? I like you very much, but you would make me look foolish if I were to play you. I am 6'9". The largest ukulele is usually 19" for a baritone. That is a 62 inch difference, or a whole Mugsy Bogues. It would be like the time I tried to use the urinal at the elementary school. It ends with me making a terrible mess and children laughing at me, and guess what? You can't take revenge on kids, especially if they aren't yours. Things go south real quick when you try that.
I want to play you very badly, but I remember when this happened before. I bought a mandolin for my 20th birthday. My stupid fat fingers took up two frets at a time. I only played sad, tuneless songs and had to sell it a month later because as usual, Lenny was too big to pet the puppies. And the schoolchildren laughed and laughed.
So now I have to watch videos of other people playing you on Youtube. That can be nice when a pretty woman with a nice voice is playing a song I like. In fact, that is something I really like to watch. However, other "normal" sized people that "never broke a chair by sitting in it" and don't "hit their head on car ceilings" or "door jambs when the walk through a door" get to play you, and they don't do a good job. And they don't sound awesome when they sing like I do. It's like you filmed yourself banging some dude that's not as cool as me, and you are making me watch the video. I didn't like that when Kat Dennings did that to me, and I like it even less now.
Someday, maybe we can be together in a world where people won't judge us for our differences. Until then, please stop being such a whore and letting other men run their fingers all over you. I die a little inside every time it happens.
Dear Two-Liter Bottles,
ReplyDeletePlease continue to appear to be dainty 20-ouncers when Greg holds you in his oversized hands. The incongruity has been delighting his friends for years.
Best,
valerie
^^ Val FTW :) I am willing to bet that the ukelele would also be similarly delightful. Think Tiny Tim, but way more manly.
ReplyDelete--Andrea
And this is why I cannot play the ukulele. Thank you for at least throwing me a bone and saying I would be more manly than Tiny Tim, Andrea. Not sure it would be easy to be less though.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you for the walk down memory lane, Val. I didn't even think of that when I wrote this.
It even looks small in this guy's hands!
ReplyDeletehttp://perezhilton.com/tv/Jake_Shimabukuro_Rolling_In_The_Deep_Instrumental_Cover/?id=7c11400475aa3&autoplay=false
The 2 liter bottle of soda just makes me think of the pizza place where we ate before the Gogol Bordello concert, and you thought you were buying a 1 liter of coke instead of 2.
ReplyDeleteIn my defense, I had never seen the new coke 2 liters that were shaped EXACTLY like a 20 ounce. My sense of perception is skewed to begin with. This world was not made for me!
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