Monday, December 12, 2011

Dear Kia Motor Company

What in the name of all that is good and decent with the world is wrong with you people?  I am referring to the gigantic dancing hamsters you have on my television, hocking cars and raping my good night's sleep.

At what point in the pitch meeting did fat, human/hamster hybrids wearing douchebag clothing and acting like rejects from Lady Gaga's Zoo of Neverending Nightmares and Bowel Evacuations seem like a valid outlet to sell your cars?  Was the thinking that most car companies try to sell their cars by showing how safe and sporty they are, so you needed something different?  Well, granted, making it seem like you car is the choice of grotesque furry monstrosities that want to kidnap children and use them to fuel their wood shavings factories is different than saying your car is safe and sporty, but it probably isn't the best choice.  It's almost as good as trying to sell minivans by filming a commercial where Carrot Top rides around in a Ford Aerostar, throwing pills at children in the street and offering to let people take naps on the stained mattress he installed in the back.

Maybe you are trying to market your cars to the Furries population.  If so, then shame on you and your racist commercials. 

I can only assume that your company has made a deal with Maker's Mark, Irish Spring, Kleenex, and Mark's Bail Bonds, because when I see your commercials, all I want to do is get drunk, cry in the shower as I try to wash the horror away, then get in my car, drive to the zoo, and punch a koala so hard that is falls out of its tree.


  1. A random half-Korean dude (the evil one)December 22, 2011 at 11:10 PM

    What do you mean, you people??

  2. By "you people" I mean gerbil fetishists. If this applies to you, than so be it.


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