Sunday, December 28, 2014

Dear New Years Resolutionists

People are innately programmed to feel something towards an ending, be it happiness, sadness, nostalgia, or bitterness.  It's why everyone but me cries at the end of My Girl and why everyone loves to celebrate New Years.  It gives us a finite unit to measure our lives, and unfortunately, most of us use this to make a half assed attempt at trying to better ourselves.  In a day, week, or month, that resolution will have been broken, and mostly likely you'll be the same person you were 365 days previously. 

I was talking with my friend Cindyloo recently about how nice people have seemed around the holidays this year.  In long lines at stores and the post office, no one was bickering, or getting mad about wait times.  People are looking each other in the eyes, smiling, and being pleasant to one another.  I even found myself doing this, which is against every fiber in my being in a crowded setting.  The only explanation that makes sense is that for some reason, people have decided to have more compassion and more camaraderie overall around Christmas this year.  It's not everyone, of course.  I still had a customer threaten me to use all of his high powered Senator and political friends to get my hotel shut down if I didn't give him a free upgrade on Christmas Eve, but some dogs don't learn new tricks.  They stick to the old ones, no matter the time, place, or idiocy of the tactic.  As a society, we just don't seem to have it in us to try this for a full year, and only seem to be able to kick it into gear when we are reminded that it is a time of giving, or that time is running out, in some respect.  It seems like we'd forget to eat if we weren't a bunch of gluttons with fast food on every block and dozens of restaurants that will deliver directly to our doors. 

Why waste your time making a half assed oath to better yourself just because it is late December?  Yes, next year could be the best year of your life, but unless you are half the assholes I went to high school with, good luck doesn't just fall in your lap.  Life is going to throw giant piles of feces at you, and you have to work hard to duck and weave.  Changing your life for the better isn't going to happen just because December became January, or because you buy a gym membership.  You've actually got to go to the gym, five days a week, every week, and literally work your ass off.  You want to be a nicer person?  Be nice to people.  Want to quit smoking?  Do it, and stop making excuses.  Want to learn to jazzercise?  Be at my place, Friday at 5. 

The point is, you can do this at any time.  January 1, June 22, or October 16, it doesn't matter.  If you are miserable, do something about it.  And if it gets tough, don't quit.  That's how you got miserable in the first place, because you took the path of east resistance.  That's why stupid people have more kids than everyone else, and that's why hardly anyone ever follows through with their resolutions. 

Me, I'm not changing anything, because I am magnificent.  You're a goddamned mess though, so get started now, and don't wait for Thursday.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Dear Grinch

This is not a funny letter.  This letter will most likely make you mad.

I was recently working an event I have worked for the last eight years.  A nearby residence for people with developmental disabilities has a Christmas party every year where the children and adults come to have a nice meal, dance, and sit with Santa Claus.  To a person, everyone that attends and works the event looks forward to this.  It is simply a time of pure happiness for all involved, and everyone has a great time.

Well, everyone but you.  I was called away to the lobby in the middle of the festivities because I was told that someone had a complaint and demanded to see a manager.  You did not ask to see a manager.  You demanded it.  Your appearance was certainly worthy of a man making such lofty demands of people's time.   Your dirty ball cap covered your grey, lank hair, and a stained discolored t-shirt strained around the bulge of your ample gut in order to stay tucked into your faded bluejeans. 
I introduced myself and asked how I could be of service.

"I can't park in front of my building.  I just came back from lunch and I had to park all the may in front of the next building over" you grunted at me, sweat pouring over your porcine face. 

You were renting a hotel room where this function was going on.  Your room was in a building right next to where the event was, and parking had overflowed.  Ok, I get that.  What I failed to point out to you is that if you had to park at "the next building over, that only added about 100 feet total of a walk instead of the 20 you might have had.  These are not long buildings.  I let this be.

"I'm very sorry sir," I said, "but it's a communal parking lot.  That's why we don't charge for parking."

"You do too!" he blustered.  "$140 a night!"  I tried not to sigh while explaining that is a his room charge, and most hotels charge an additional fee for parking.  This one didn't, this, free for all.

"If you won't make someone move, I'll just park behind a few cars and see how you like that" he fumed.  First, you are making an assumption that I am in charge of parking.  Wrong.  I am wearing an apron, which should be the first clue.  Next, you think I will be willing to make someone move their car for you after I just explained that you are not owed anything.  Seeing I would not do this, you quite literally stomped out of the lobby and climbed into your gigantic pickup.  Someone overheard your rant and approached me, offering to move their car for him.  I told them they could do so if they wished, but not to feel obligated.  They gladly went to accommodate your infantile idiocy.

So, I walked outside and over to your building to let you know there was a spot.  Sure enough, you have three cars blocked in with your Ford F30000TurboImpotence.  I knocked on your door and pointed to the new spot the person had opened. 

"Nope, I'm good where I am."  You closed the door.

I knocked again, seriously considering how much I liked not being in jail.  You opened with a smartass grin.

"What you failed to let me explain to you, sir, is that the party that has taken up all of the parking spots is a holiday party for people with mental and physical handicaps.  They can't park far away, because they cannot walk that far."

A normal person, a real human being, would apologize here and be civil.  This is how I know you a scum, and a dickhead that I don't wish any happiness towards. 

"Well I have a bad back and shouldn't be walking far, but I guess I'll move my car now that you did your job and got me a spot."

Your back is bad from carrying around your fat ass, beer gut, and inflated sense of self worth.  This is completely ignoring the fact that your giant truck, which caused all this mess, was so big that you have to enter it with a step, so your back can't be all that bad.  If I was half the asshole you are, I would have hit you there, and posted your name, address, and phone number here for all to see.  I could get those easily, and would love to see the hate mail you'd receive.  Instead, I smiled and thanked you.

This is the freaking holiday season.  If you can't muster up compassion, caring, or even the faintest of human emotion, you should rot.  To even slightly compare your back pain to the struggles that those people go through their entire lives makes you sickening to me, so I walked away from you, and went back to the party where people were just happy to be there, eat cookies, dance.

We're all here to see Santa, not watch you do your impression of St. Dick.     

Sunday, December 14, 2014

The Mauling of the Faithful 2014

Welcome to the third annual Mauling of the Faithful.  I find it pleasant and warranted that, during this season of thankfulness, unity, and love, that I remind each and every one of my readers that I know what deviant scumbags they really are, and that I don't think they post enough on the Facebook page. 
  • Elizabeth O'Sullivan writes Perfect Strangers fan fic.  Slash fan fic.  
  • Will Gulley was the Rio that Duran Duran sang about.
  • Jolene Schafer has been waiting years to get her chance to be a field goal kicker for a college football team ala Necessary Roughness.
  • Annelise Montone believes herself to be the next coming of Stevie Nicks.  She doesn't worry that Stevie Nicks hasn't died...yet.
  • Stephen Wheeler lobbied so hard to get the nickname "Wheel Dog" that he lost every friend he ever had.  
  • Bryant Rasbold has been slipping up and calling the pet store next to his work the "grocery store" too many times for his coworkers' comfort. 
  • Liberty Heidmann still thinks that there is only one letters between K and P in the alphabet- Mellaneno.  This is because when she was younger, no one cared to correct her when she sang "H, I, J, K, Mellaneno, P".
  • Anthony Jacob Homer wet the bed until he was forty years old.  He is currently only 24, and has a rocky road ahead of him.
  • McHale Baden funds every book Nicholas Sparks writes.
  • Stephen Murphy teaches children to lick every doorknob they come into contact with.
  • Jay Phoenix still makes sure to include an Austin Powers impersonation in every interaction he has with anyone.  
  • Jackie Chase Oldenberg has created a holiday that is a mix of Valentine's Day and Halloween.  She jumps out of bushes to scare children, then pelts them with candy hearts while screaming "I love you all!"
  • Dori Gregory took her Halloween costume of a One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater too seriously and devoured three party guests before the cops subdued her.
  • Chloe Buicke makes a special dish she called "Necco Wafers Pot Pie" whenever she goes on a first date.  
  • Matt Lesley became a clown for one reason and one reason only: the unadulterated thrill of greasepaint.  
  • Benjamin Kloch refuses to be taught how to say the word "Worchester" correctly.  He says if he does, then the Republicans win.
  • Kurt Lewis has a song he sings while he eats jelly beans, set to the tune of The Specials "Guns of the Navarrone"                                                                                                                           "Who loves the jellybeans?                                                                                                              Kurt loves the jelly beans!                                                                                                                All of the jelly beans!"                                                                                                                 He gets very quiet then, chews for a moment, and angrily grows the last verse.                            "But not the red ones."
  • Regina Harris Lee was originally one of the Spice Girls, but was replaced with Baby Spice when the other members felt that her "Creepy Spice" character wasn't doing well with fans.
  • James King, David King, and Clara King will be assassinated soon by Ricky Prince so that Ricky can assume the throne.  Even Ricky isn't sure what throne that is though.  
  • Courtney Freed still uses a Wang computer.
  • Ted Humburg has worn the same shirt for the last seven years.  He says mesh can never get dirty.
  • Jordan Riccio ate a sandwich when he was three years old that has haunted him ever since.  Nothing he has experienced has ever lived up to the glory he felt as he ate it.  In a few years, the yearning will have driven him mad.  If only his mother would just tell him that it was a Big Mac.  
  • Michelle Vela is responsible for every Hitler comment on every website comment thread.  Every single one except Vogue.  
  • Andrea Buntz Neiman has written a musical based on the life of Aunt Jemima.  Every other lyric contains the word "buttery".  The the other lyric is "evil".
  • Karey Gelrud. Bic Pens.  There's a story there, but I am legally not allowed to tell it.
  • Elizabeth Friedel reenacts Revolutionary War battles with children in her neighborhood.  The children are never aware of it until the first cannon shot is fired.  
  • Virginia Fisher, my own mother, started calling her favorite crock pot Greg.  She says there should be at least one Greg in her life that doesn't disappoint her.
  • Travis Shaw knows the Muffin Man who lives on Drury Lane.  In the biblical sense.
  • Tracey Dolan Portwine is like one of those cats that can smell cancer, except her ability is that she can tell when Willis Kurtz is going to vomit.  It is a completely unnecessary talent she thinks.  On January 7th, she will figure out just how wrong she has been.  
  • Rachael Osberger says that the world is going to hell, and she uses the remake of Shaft as her proof.
  • Ashley Jean Effinger went through a Goth phase in high school, but she was shunned because her Goth name was Phyllis.
  • Sarah Timmons-Marshall dyed everything she owns puce thanks to the book Summer of the Swans.  
  • KC Corbitt thinks that microwaves are a form of witchcraft, and worships them with blood offerings. 
  • John Mann is the last known person to speak Sanskrit.  Because of this, he has never been able to order food from a drive through. 
  • Corey and Jeneanne Kehew opened a Bed and Breakfast just to make it easier for them to watches strangers sleep.
  • Laura Wienand can only truly express herself through interpretive dance.  That dance just so happens to closely resemble the Safety Dance.
  • Adam Poston has waited on a porch for the last three years, just waiting to yell at a kid to get off his lawn.  
  • Pretrenya Williams refuses to follow the B story on any television show. 
  • Jordan Bradford spends 30 minutes every day trying to teach his son to knife fight.  He's desperate to make money to feed his Cinnamon Toast Crunch addiction, and he thinks that "Baby Knife Fights" are real things. 
  • Edward Eason burns down every building he leaves, just so that no one else can have it.  
  • Valerie Sedai was forced to close her day care when she handed the painters the wrong piece of paper.  Instead of a sign reading "We care for your kids all day" it read "Bet you can't eat just one". 
  • Libby Davis savors the winter, when she lashes together all of her pets and forces them to pull her on a sled. 
  • Jaclyn Whittington tries to invent a new racial slur every day.  Everyone is going to be pissed when they find out what "Pochungo Badow" refers to.
  • Bernadette Bellerjeau Cunningham once ate a Pop Tart in the shower.  I wish I was joking.
  • Drew Stoppels kills Poppells.  That wasn't meant to be cute.  He is a murderer and someone needs to stop him.
  • The greatest compliment that Gus Medina has ever received is that he "has the teeth of an elder Dutchman".
  • Cory Schroeder boycotts Long John Silver restaurants because she says that they discriminate against chickens.
  • Chynel Degenstein won't last a week in prison, and that is why she has a plan...
  • Simon Austin has already aligned himself with the Mole People in anticipation of the upcoming war.
  • Chelli Follman cannot kick ass and chew bubblegum at the same time.
  • Keith Sechrist was the best weatherman channel 6 out of Souix Falls had ever seen until the one day he accidentally referred to Detriot as Nipple-opolis. 
  • Sean Shank started a band called the Sean Shank Redemption. It is just him playing a recorder, yet it is the greatest band I've ever heard of.
  • Jessica Leiby got Freaks and Geeks taken off the air.  For just $5 I will give each of you her address.
  • Katie Cavallo raises attack goldfish.  You laugh now, but one day you'll be screaming.
  • Nell Owens owns every copy of Innerspace that has ever been on sale in Kentucky.  She lives in Delaware.
  • Leigh Angela will have her hair feathered next week.  This is only the first step in her plan to create a real life Dukes Of Hazzard.   
  • Lisa McQuighan has, on several occasions, stated that her main thrill in life is to see the look of wonder on children's face right before she eats a rabbit alive in front of them.
  • Handrikus Webb sounds like a kind of sex device.
  • Timothy J. Lankes considers soup to be a finger food, and showers to be a spectator sport. 
  • Michael Asplen has lobbied for years for NBC to bring back "Wings".  Stephen Weber has pleaded with him to stop.  Tim Daly doesn't care.  In fact, most mornings he can be found on Mike's balcony, drinking Night Train and screaming at passersby.  
  • Derric Gray, Lanier Green, Laura Redfield, Cody Brown, Brian Rose, and Jen Greenwood made a breakdancing crew called the Crayola Kids.  They were quickly beaten up by every other breakdancing gang.  
  • Sabrina Senger was the dancing queen until she was removed from the throne in a bloodless coup.
  • Kris Webb-Flowers won't speak to anyone with the letter A in their name.
  • Colleen Thomson has held a grudge against her best friend for three years for saying that Wesley Snipes played Willie Mays Hayes in both Major League and Major League 2.  The stupid bitch couldn't tell that he was replaced by Omar Epps in the second?  What a racist.  Colleen might just tell her that at the gym tomorrow.  Yup, she's finally going to say it.
  •  Jeremy Peterman says that napkins are for poor people.
  •  Mirium Deniger decorates her Christmas tree with dead pigeons and people's hair she buys from the barber shop because she says that "It's the thought that counts."
  • Margaret Alldredge Randall anxiously awaits the day where she can be the sexually suggestive 50 something woman that tries to lure high schoolers to her home to mow the lawn. 
  • Layla Asplen think I've been joking about her naming her firstborn "Flapjack".  I have a man in the hospital ready to print up a gift certificate for Flapjack Arnold Horshack Asplen the moment he is born.  He shall be a king among men. 
  • Mel Curro won't answer the telephone out of the fear that Danny Devito will find out were she lives.  
  • David Weston Gregory Jr. can't wait for frilled collars to come back into style.  
  • Jade Marie Vega will never admit it, but part of her died the day they cancelled Harper's Island.
  • Katie Sill was once so adorable that she gave diabetes to a hummingbird.  
  • Michelle Trotter Milne sits down every night with a nice glass of Vegetable oil and watches "Showgirls" until the world makes sense.  
  • Beth Brennan Shaw created a computer virus.  The only thing it does is puts invisible umlauts over every letter in a Word Document. 
  • Thomas Murphy wishes to remain out of this.  I don't respect his wishes, or his refrigerator.  You don't even want to know what I did to that.  
  • Andrew Tanner tells everyone that he was the missing son from Full House. 
  • Jazma Ward has written every single episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  It was years after they actually aired, but she still did it.
  • Tretrunk Edwards is a maniac, maniac on the floor.  And also according to the state of Michigan.
  • Dimpy Sharma is obviously not in the witness protection program.
  • Sveinn Storm rocks himself to sleep, cooing and stroking the deathray he built out of pop rocks, Coca Cola, and plutonium.
  • Rose Howlett calls water "wet air".
  • Curtis Evans had to quit his job at Yankee Candle to to a condition he referred to as "Scent Boners".
  • Ryan Hershfeld might not be familiar to you, but you probably know him by his birth name: Debbie Gibson.  
  • Laura McSpadden Belle Isle used to be a peninsula until frightful governance and a freak flood cut her off from the mainland.  
  • Scott Humburg is simultaneously the worst and greatest Woody Allen impersonator that you will ever meet.  
  • Stephen Ursu has 37 different names for his penis, but forgets his name some days.
  • Patrick Evans eats his own eyebrows.  It isn't a compulsion, he just thinks they are tender and delicious.
  • Alana Collits was raised in an artificial habitat, like an orphaned bird.  She was fed by hand puppets made to look like her parents.  
  • Daniel Leneghan won't eat veal because he is jealous that those baby cows get to be locked up in little cages and treated badly.
  • Jordan Free has been the frontman for no less than five failed Bananarama tribute bands.
  • Erin McSpadden keeps a box full of chiggers "just in case". 
  • Brooke Summers has voted for Dukakis in every election since 1988, including American Idol.
  • Liam Webb needs to realize that there is a fine line between trick or treating and extortion and coercion when you are in your twenties.  
  • Brian Massey is so grouchy because he has had a pimple inside of his nose for the last ten years.  Bet you feel bad about calling him a dick now, don't you?
  • Laura Brockmeyer started life as Laura Sanchez until she developed a weird obsession with Breckin Meyer.  
  • Mary Kate Schneider Truesdale sleeps in tupperware to stay young. 
  • Erick Tirrell will never find a publisher for his memoirs "37 Days of Mac and Cheese: The Best Month and a Week of My Life."
  • Dan Fox was Dan Fugly until he lost a bunch of weight and had a weird looking mole taken off his chin.
  • Bodine Boling has had a crush on me for years.  I've begged her to get over it, but she still makes me little cookies in the shape of hearts.  Anatomically correct hearts that spurt red icing when you bite them.
  • Tina LeBlanc says that eggs are a myth made up by the government to keep Duran Duran in retirement.  She might be the smartest woman I have never met. 
  • Joseph Jiminez created a board game called "Beep".  It was burned in a house fire three days later, and Milton Bradley has no alibi for that night.
  • Barbie Niva was an up and coming host on Food Network until she bit Giada Di Laurentiis' ear off in a bar fight.  
  • Vicki Fisher lives in an elaborate fort made out of couch cushions she has stolen from 37 houses in 7 states.
  • Lara Kristine Turner started the hipster trend as her own way to bring about the apocalypse. 
  • Elizabeth Doll earned her name for her impressive collection of Care Bear dolls, including little known and hard to find ones like Dysentery Bear and Unlicensed Driver Bear.
  • Kaitlin Butler Rothstein has lost more chili cookoffs than any person in United States history du to her insistence that the greatest spice is hunger.  She kidnaps and starves the judges for a week before every competition.  
  • Megan McGilloway runs a bathtub Ecto Cooler speakeasy out of her basement.
  • Heidi Hartshorn believes that she was born to be the love interest in a superheroine movie.  She has since become very good at getting tied to bridges and falling in love with the wrong kind of guy.  We have a date later this week.
  • Helen Dowling feels that Journey has let her down.  They told her not to stop believing, but they never specified in what.  Now she doesn't know what to believe or who to trust, and has turned to a life of crime.
  • Lindsay Robibero Scully reenacts the boom box scene from Say Anything to elderly people.  She does it while blasting "Cum On Feel The Noise" and brandishing a pistol though.
  • C.J. Sellers ever wanted to be a garbageman, but sometimes, a calling just finds you.  Other times you get drunk right before the SAT's and your uncle has to bail you out by getting you a job with the county when your dad goes ballistic.  
  • Denise Flanagan-Doyle still uses Internet Explorer as her primary browser, even though she knows better.
  • Tom Barnes was the first person ever rick rolled.  He will carry that shame to his grave.
  • Kevin Kiley has a condition he calls the "sleep poops".  It is ten times more horrifying than it sounds.
  • Lisa Burkman Solier loves her lime green velour jumpsuit more than anything.
  • Joel Van Goor was the third Bosom Buddy, but he tested even worse than Peter Scolari.
  • Nina Coderre will never admit it to herself, but last Thursday was the greatest day in her life, and it really is all downhill from here.
  • Andi Kttn needs to buy a vowel and some yarn.
  • Vineta Byrd has attempted to start a cult following around the movie "Dante's Peak".  She has used $3 million of the taxpayer's money to do so.
  • InSung Yoo and Travis Humburg created a delicious chocolately drink.  Travis proposed they used their last names and call it Yoo Hu.  InSung wanted to call it "Eye Gunk".  Unfortunately, Travis is scared of InSung, and now they are both bankrupt.  Insung's wife Catherine Chow Yoo didn't fare much better with her product "Cat Chow", a vitamin snack for the elderly.
  • Stephanie Marie O'Brien feeds strangers at restaurants like she is a momma bird.
  • Jessica Emerson has been shot with a speargun on six different occasions, yet she refuses to stop wearing sharkskin. 
  • Ben Carioso's time as an amateur bee keeper came to an end last Thursday when he mistook a jar of honey for his hair gel. 
  • Jacqueline Leslie Miller's favorite dinner is boiled chicken and plain white bread.  Anything else is too spicy and brings out her "urges".
  • Christopher Neu created a dish consisting only of cooked spaghetti and white chocolate chips, meant to be eaten with your hands.  Again, I wish I was joking.
  • Teresa Dupuis has a very fun name to say.  Dupuis.  Dupuis.  Du-puis.  Dooooooo-pwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.  It's lost all meaning.
  • David Wendig was arrested in 1989 for public urination.  It was thrown out of court because he urinated on Keith Richards, and Keith Richards loved it.
  • Chris Biller watches movies on Betamax because he says it just "feels right".
  • Antonia Segura is a fun name as well, but more in the supervillain way.  His path has been laid.
  • Sarah Ogle will also live up to her name, and MY EYES ARE UP HERE, LADY.
  • Reggie Gilbert will never leave this room again.  He just got up and tried to leave.  Sucker.  
  • Lisa Fretz has been crowned the Greatest Scratcher by all of her cats.  The vote will later be overturned when it is found out they were forced to vote under duress.
  • Natalie Litofsky has unsuccessfully tried to incorporate the phrase "I don't cotton to that" into her everyday life for seven years.  
  • Nicole Ann Forrosuelo was born with hands for feet, which explains her extremely creepy foot fetish.
  • Ellen Kathryn has never thanked me for saving her life.  I could have hit her with my car, but I talked myself out of it.
  • Theresa DeLizza wants to dance with somebody, but god help us all if she feels the heat from somebody.   
  • Heather Davidson Friel swallows pennies to freak out the TSA.
  • Sharon Rothblum Schlenger likes to drop it like it's hot, and that's how she lost her job at the pet store.
  • Col Kpati has never been the same since a tragic game of "Red Light, Green Light" where he never heard them say Green Light again and stayed in placed for seven days. 
  • Michelle Bailey doesn't understand why she can't seem to replicate McDonald's secret sauce at home.  The closest she ever came to it was using Play dough and eyebrow hair.  She is not a good cook.
  • Timothy Dodge was always the first out in dodgeball thanks to his hubris.
  • Monica Cavanaugh is seen as the Grim Reaper of Peeps. 
  • Nancy Fisher North was the inspiration for both Patrick from Spongebob Squarepants and Murock from Macguyver.
  • April Baymer refuses to admit that the month of July exists.
  • Mike Muszynski learned to kiss on a life sized cardboard advertisement he took from a dumpster behind Blockbuster.  Gary Sinese was a gentle tutor.
  • Chris Law has standards.  For instance, he will not eat any food that has been in a trash can for longer than five days.
  • Nicole Blankenship is not a sea captain.  She has no power to marry you, and she cannot pilot your yacht, no matter what she says.  
  •  Ryan Protos is still good friends with his ex wife, Angela Bassett.  
  • John Beasley needs to buy some curtains, or at least some pajamas.  
  • Niahm O'Sullivan feels that there is a very real connection between her bloodlust and flannel sheets.  
  • Karen Donnelly is racist against giraffes. 
  • William Booz turned himself in to the police for a hit and run.  He is a little too literal to use bumper cars.
  • Lynne K. Fletcher colors her face with highlighters to express her moods.  
  • Rafa Madero hates Falco for beating him to recording "Rock Me Amadeus".
  • Jamie Doud Latsko plans to kickbox a panda bear for charity.  The charity is Punches for Pandas, a nonprofit she started last week.
  • Aoife Kirwan sends a letter to her grandmother every week.  Typically they are ransom notes.
  • Michael Winchell is the only known Cleveland Browns fan in existence.  
  • Becky Bradford has gotten every word of every lyric that the band Toto has ever written tattooed on the inside of her belly button.
  • Hanna Gribble cannot understand anyone when they speak.  All she hears is the 1993 hit single "Pocket Full of Kryptonite" by the Spin Doctors. 
  • Anela Collazo has just found spandex, and her life will never be the same.
  • Christina Courts is still scared of The Nothing in the Neverending Story.  
  • Brad Bury proposes to every person who has ever waited on him at a drive through.  He cries every time they think it is a joke.  
  • Amy Diane Holt-Arafat has spent her life carving busts of contemporary female celebrities out of cheese.
  • Dbo Johnson has eaten every one of those cheese busts.  His favorites were Paris Stilton and Char-cheese Theron.   
  • Twyla Moudy is the woman every country singer sings about.
  • Jacqueline Slosky was one of the Baja Men.
  • James Yamakawa wakes every day and laughs at the death of the moon.  Every night he falls to his knees and screams "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"
  • Geri Ebertowski is the worst Asian name I have ever heard.
  • Van Zarr is the best.  
  • Emily Miller spent the first three years of her life thinking she was a bee.  It hasn't impacted her life much since, except for her constant insistence that she be allowed to pollinate flowers.  
  • Joe Flannigan once ate a 92 pound steak in under thirty minutes.  He was legally dead for six minutes, but the steak was free.
  • Kevin Johnston call the dentist a "voodoo warlord".  He will be the first person since 1637 to die from gingivitis.   
  • Randy-Amanda McGhee, your blatant use of hyphens will be the death of us all.
  • Matt Slaga fell from the monkeybars in the first grade.  When he hit the ground, he saw through time.  Unfortunately, he was still unable to stop Gangnam Style.  
  • Mandie Moore isn't tricking me again.
  • Carol Stone has a village named after her in Spain.  It only took three months of intimidation and audio warfare.  
  • The comic and movie "30 Days of Night" are based on Julie Stricker's last trip to Sizzler.  
  • Jesse Howell thinks that the Jolly Green Giant and Santa are pimps.  He sees no other reason for a man to say "Ho, ho, ho".
  • Christopher William Beasley will not rest until he creates a new flavor of Jolly Rancher.  All he has come up with so far is "Wood".
  • JessanJerry Roberts thinks music never gotten any better since Wham!
  • Tricia Boyce tells time with the metric system.
  • Ramon Thompson Sr. jokes with movie theater ticket salespeople about getting a "senior" discount.  None of them find it amusing. 
  • Megan Usilton sits at her desk every day, slowly singing "Dixie" while eating Chinese takeout and staring at a blank wall.
  • Maggie Small Ferguson trains herself every day, waiting for her eventual showdown with Maggie Gigantic Ferguson.  
  • Megan Foreman is never allowed back into the build a Bear-A-Bear store at the Mall of America.  Let her tell you why.
  • Joyce Phelps chooses not to see the color purple.
  • Jamie Book was thrown out of the NHL after she stabbed one of the Montreal Candians with a toothbrush shiv during penalty shots.  
  • Josue Servin would like to know if you have heard the good word of his lord and saviour Gumby and his apostle Cherry.
  • Gwyneth Whieldon thinks all white people look the same. 
  • Renea Stecik has never had to correct anyone on how to spell or pronounce her name.
  • Cristina Uribe is still going through her Pat Benitar phase.  She spent $1,000 on lace gloves last year alone.
  • Janine Eller Dowdle has made a scrapbook of all of the cease and desist letters that she has gotten from Stevie Nicks' attorneys through the years. 
  • Sarah Mattes lives every day like it is Arbor Day.
  • Matt Stephen, Jody Lily and Jason Andrew all refuse to take a last name.  
  • Leslie Somerville's favorite game is Candyland, prison rules.  
  • Julie Harvey enters a diorama of the burning of Rome, made out of chicken skin and Elmer's glue, into a local middle school's contest, and every year she brings home that gold medal.
  • Nancy Stange, what can I say about you that's any worse than you having to live with Jesse Howell?
  • Hannah Piper Burns has owed me a copy of the movie SLC Punk! for the last eight years.  I don't even want it anymore, but it is the principle. 
  • Katiedid Langrock thinks she is a better humor writer than me.  She's probably right. 
  • Annie Barrett's claim to fame is that she learned to play "Kickstart My Heart" using only a toothbrush and a kitten. 
  • Susan Rosensteel contends that "Willow" is a docu-drama based on true events.
  • William Chris Ward dances like no one is watching, and cackles like no one will ever be able to stop him.
  • Philip Walters cringes at the word "and".  His life has been a living hell.
  • Keith Robertson dresses like a homeless person simply because he loves sitting on the ground and holding up signs.  
  • Jessica Chappell believes the greatest creation of man is gravy, and she makes sure to drink 8 glasses a day in appreciation.
  • Jodi Bailey wishes she had been born with a prehensile nose.
  • Bridgett Heard believes that knickers are the height of fashion.  She will be right in 3 weeks.
  • Angela Desmond believes it every time Cher says it will be her final tour.  Angela thinks once Cher is gone, it will be her time to shine.
  • Jered Hannawald created a sentient robot to help him around the house.  It dismantled itself after the fifth hour of watching him sit in his underwear crying at the Golden Girls.
  • Marcia Milne passes off store bought cookies as her own at bake sales.  Anyone that tries to call her on it is never heard from again.
  • Steve Nickerson stabs himself in the leg every morning so that he can park in handicap spots.
  • David McKenna wears a child sized dinosaur costume while he shops for groceries.  He thinks that the clerks will never deny a Stegosaurus the use of expired coupons.
  • Jen Hamner Fisher is a Dallas fan.
  • Tenley Martin mistakenly thought that the song "I Don't Want to Work" was her own thoughts.  She's dedicated her life to playing the drum because of this.
  • Nico Danks has the "real" version of Titanic, the one where Johnny Quest saves the day.  James Cameron pays her dearly just to keep it quiet.
  • Pam Profit knows the names of every member of Chumbawumba.
  • Brian Rose doesn't understand why his catchphrase "B. Rose before Hos" hasn't caught on.
  • Margie Webber started a poop based newsletter called "Fecal Matters".
  • Dennis Fleming hates Jennifer Lawrence, but he is terrified to admit it.
  • Charles Saunders is going to give up pretty soon and just start going out in slippers and a housecoat.  It's just more comfortable.
  • Brittanie Bigler likes her coffee beans like she likes her men- lifeless and covered in scalding water.
  • Matthew Leeper swims immediately after eating, just to mock the children at the pool who have to wait.  
  • Shannon Lester doesn't understand how the "Uncle Fester look" isn't more popular.
  • Epi Valez can read in his dreams.  Trust him, you should be glad you can't.
  • Tawanda Grimes faints at the sight of grass.
  • Eric Wilder has a glass case in his house that says "In Case of Emergency, Break Glass".  The only thing inside is a bottle of bourbon and a sparkler.
  • Zach Rothstein's safe word is the guitar solo from "Stairway to Heaven" right before the part where it goes "And as we wind on down the road.."  
  • Michy Aja can't understand why Maclemore looks good with hat haircut but she doesn't.
  • Kate Alanna Fritz has tried every fetish you can think of, except the one we call "love"
  • Mason Hudson won't take no for an answer.  Nope, nyet, and nah are fine though.
  • Laura Freeman thinks a library is a fancy kind of quick stop store.  She is furious they won't give her nachos. 
  • Derek Douglas has based his life off of every bad guy in an 80's skiing movie.
  • Sean Murphy is married to the sea, and consummates that marriage nightly.
  • Keefa Cleary is known as the "Orel Hershiser of Snowcones".
  • Michael Breheny has worn a toupee since age seven.  It's been the correct color since he was ten.
  • David James Lee doesn't give into the demands of terrorists.  That's what he tells his dogs every night when they cry for dinner.
  • Alex Rodney Lynch was the member of Genesis that no one remembers or cares about.
  • Luke Madden stole the cookie from the cookie jar, that thieving son of a bitch.  He'll burn for it.
  • Last, but certainly not least, if Jefferson Starship Troopers Tolbert.  Jeff lost several of his fingers in an accident playing the boardgame Operation, but has made good use of the middle finger/pinky combo on his left hand and thumb/ring finger combo on his right.  Until the age of thirty, his main goal in life was to be either an explorer or the guy that brushes cats at the animal shelter.  Jeff suffers from a disease where if he meets someone named Steven, he calls them Stephen, and vice versa.  He says it gives him strange sexual powers as well.  For his ninth birthday, Jeff was given dropped off on a remote island and forced to find his way back home.  Six years later he was still on the island, weaving a raft out of dead and rotting monkey carcasses and leaves.  Every summer, Jeff goes to the beach and gets his hair braided and beaded, because he says "It's just what you do at the beach."  Jeff believes in the hollow Earth theory, mainly because he hopes there is a way he can somehow use that space to store his collection of creepy antique dolls, all of which he has named "Kimber-Anne".   Jeff will only drink goat's milk because he calls cows "rampant fornicators" and I once saw him throw a punch at Angela Lansbury, claiming that she owed him money on a basketball game.  In his free time, Jeff likes to draw pictures of himself in the style of famous cartoon animators, and then he forces the different versions of himself to kiss.  Jeff has never jumped in his life, for fear that a hawk will be able to snatch him easier if he wasn't rooted on the ground.  He finds baby corn erotic, and was thrown out of an Old Country Buffet because of this.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Dear OBX

OBX is not short for obnoxious.  No one cares that you've been to the Outer Banks.  There.  I said it.  You wasted somewhere between $5 to $10 to let everyone know that you went to a place full of sand and secession and nobody cares.  It's not like you are part of some mystic brotherhood of asshats who drove a car and ended up at South of the Border.  Judging by the number of these stickers I see on cars on the highway in Maryland alone, there was some mandatory decree that everyone see the dune where the Wright Brothers had their hovel, or Tyler Perry would remake "It's a Wonderful Life".  I'm fairly certain some people have bought those stickers for their car that haven't even been there.  There are just too many out there.

No, you are no better if you have some far flung retreat like Paris, Hawaii, or the UK.  You're just more artsy and pretentious than those that really wanted the world to know they bought Steak N' Shake instead of McDonalds one time and then got some really cool fireworks.   Good for you, you travel.  The only reason to announce it is to make yourself seem superior to those that don't, haven't, or can't. 

In light of that, I've started a line of stickers I call "Future Stickers".  These are all places you haven't been yet, but I highly suggest you go: