Sunday, April 28, 2013

Dear Gregs

We're turning 30 today.  Well, I am.  You're all just memories I have of myself from years ago.   Anyway, I wouldn't be much of a writer if I didn't submit to some bitter self examination and really let myself have what-for on the page.  This should be a bit cheaper than my shocking but inevitable midlife crisis that is coming up over the horizon, so let's just get down to it.  Man, I hope I buy a crossbow.  That'd be an awesome midlife crisis.

4 year old Greg:

You need to learn how to dress yourself.  I don't care if it is the 1980's, Mom is going too far.  Blind people think you are dressed too loud.  And this cutoff  I guess it should at least prepare you for some of the disappointment you are in for.  Speaking of which, the Phillies are going to be awful for about the next twenty years.  You are going to move away soon, and you are going to be really upset because you like your room and don't want to leave it.  Your new room is going to be much bigger, and you will have plenty more room to play at the new house, so you better quit crying before I give you something to cry about.  Also, your "friend" Jimmy is going to hit you in the face with an apple at some point in the near future, so you should probably do something about that.  I suggest throwing sand in his eyes then taking your toys back, because he does steal all of your He-man toys, and you do nothing about it.   Oh, yeah, by the way, He-man's name is Prince Adam.  PRINCE ADAM.  Not Padadam.  Your childlike mispronunciation is not cute, and you are embarrassing us both.

10 year old Greg:

For a kid that plays soccer, basketball, baseball, and actually makes up games in the back yard, you would think you might be at least a little in shape.  "Husky" is not a flattering term.  That's like when they tell an ugly person they have a "great personality".  Maybe you need to put the bagels and candy down and try to drink some water instead of Sunny D.   Yes, they are making a movie version of the Addams Family, and no, you don't get the part of Pugsley, so there is no point for you to continue to be so puffy.  Also, you fall down too much.  Your nickname should be "Big Old Babyfaced Lead Head".  You trip walking on flat ground, and you've fallen off of about three docks while fishing.  It's almost like gravity is trying to take you out and is tired of being subtle.  I should let you know that we haven't become a professional baseball player yet.  Barring some Disney like twist, we probably never will.  Plus side though, they broadcast a couple of your All Star baseball little league games on the radio, and that still seems kind of awesome even today. Oh, and some bad news: the X Files starts to suck really bad, but by then you don't really care, so it all works out.

15 year old Greg:
Oh, good.  You found punk rock.  That makes you a special little snowflake.  So very unique and rebellious for a 15 year old middle class white kid to embrace punk music.  Little known fact, you don't have to talk about it so much, and there are other shirts to wear that don't have band logos on them.  Also, making your own punk shirts with iron on printer sheet is not punk.  It's something little kids do at birthday parties.  You also have not become a punk musician and you've sold most of your guitars.  .You try to dye your hair blue at some point, and it is just as stupid as it sounds. 

19 year old Greg:
I just don't even know where to start with you.  The campus center buffet is not a challenge for you to see how much you can eat before you just bypass getting the disease and simply become diabetes personified.  Also, it is 100% possible to just have a couple of beers and call it a night.  There is no reason to be drunk several nights a week.  Remember all that weight you lost playing baseball senior year of high school?  You gained it back in roughly six weeks of college by eating like a crack addicted manatee.  Just to get this out of the way, you still haven't become an actor.  Out of all of your life goals that you never saw through, this one could still happen.  It won't, but it could. And yes, you are losing your hair.  Get over it.

23 year old Greg:
Yeah, you did a smart thing getting a steady job after college.  It took several years before everyone else settled into their careers.  Of course, they went out and traveled, had relationships, worked fun jobs they didn't care too much about, and ended up settling into jobs that pay way more than you make.  So, there's that, but right now, you look really smart.  You went to Maine last summer, right?  You don't take another vacation that isn't to Atlantic City until a one day trip to Indiana, PA in 2009, then a one day trip to Niagara Falls in 2012.  We are not what they would call a "worldy" person.  But you've got some money in your pocket, so there's that.

Anyway, all of you Gregs, all that crap you did got us to here, to me.  So, you are to blame, and you are to praise.  Without giving too much away, I can let you in on a bit of how we are at 30.  You are going to figure out that you don't like drinking anymore, that you need to start exercising more.  To your shock, your knees feel much better when you aren't 70 pounds overweight.  Most of all, you figure out that you need to do little things that make you happy when you have free time, however small that amount of time is.  You start playing golf again.  You start a blog that some people seem to like, regardless of how odd you are sometimes. You also still freak out in public, so it's not all daffodils and lilies, but at least you are making an effort to be happy.

Maybe I'll get a letter from 50 year old Greg bitching about the way I am now.  He'll tell me that I never publish a book, and never become a "real" writer.  He'll find some way to put me down.  We'll see when we get there.  He's an old, bald, pain in the ass anyway.


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