Sunday, June 23, 2013

Dear Charmin

I will let bears sell me lots of things.  They've sold me soda at Christmastime, because those commercials are kind of nice and peaceful.  They've also sold me honey, breakfast cereal, gummies,  and fabric softener, because why not?  So, I can see why you might think using bears in your commercials would be acceptable.  You might have been right, but your execution is about on par with The Generals defense every time they play the Harlem Globetrotters.  To clarify, this means that you have been made to look like a fool, and most likely your pants have been pulled down in front of a whooping crowd.

What you fail to understand, just like diaper companies and the people that keep giving Dane Cook pilots, is that people don't need to think about bowel movements when they watch tv.  If I wanted that I would watch any number of the redneck reality shows that have descended upon the airwaves like Jack Black on a butter and cocaine buffet.  I do work while the TV is on, I eat with the tv on, and I try to relax while the tv is on.  I don't need to see some freakish talking bears strutting around talking about how they could never get their asses clean before they switched to Charmin.   The joke, "Does a bear shit in the woods?" is a rhetorical question.  You have gone and answered it and flaunted the aftermath in my living room.

Look at this screen grab.  Who thought that a bear staring at it's own filthy butt while his mother watches was the best way to sell toilet paper?  Unless the next thing the narrator says is "Where did they touch you?  Show us on this doll", then this picture is even less appropriate.  This is the best way to sell alcohol, drugs, and perhaps a handgun, but nothing about this makes me want to buy your 2 ply.  Now you have a new commercial out where a nerdy bear with glasses is sitting on a dryer.  He explains that laundry is one way to keep your underwear clean, and Charmin is the other.

I...I just can't even....what the hell is wrong with your company?

There is a thing called decorum.  It is the thing that people followed back in the day where you didn't discuss religion, politics, or bodily functions in public, because nobody ever needs to hear your commentary on any of those subjects.  Now we have a commercial where Honey Boo Boo farts on her family and they all laugh.  We used to be civilized.  This was a country where men wore suits when they went out so that they looked presentable, and they held the door for ladies.  What happened to that world?  The bears ate it up and now the are defecating it on our doorsteps.


  1. Sorry Mr. Cratchet, we were just trying to get our baseball back. We promise to stay off your lawn and keep the Christ in Christmas.

    Also, I like Jack Black.

    1. I believe you were going for Scrooge. I would enjoy Jack Black if he ever decided to play someone other than Jack Black.


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