Sunday, August 4, 2013

Dear People With Ringback Tones

Let's just get this out of the way: you did not put a ringback tone on your phone for any reason other than to show off.  Unless you call your own phone frequently, you just want people to think that you are cool, or smart, or whatever the song you chose to play instead of a ringing line is supposed to say about you. 

Chances are, I don't like your music. I don't need to hear it when I call you, just like I don't need to hear it blasting out of your car window at a stoplight.  I like music that I like, and if I want to hear that, I will listen to it on my Ipod.  The only thing I am looking for when I call someone is for them to answer, tell me what I need to know, and then hang up.  I don't need to hear Big and Rich telling me not to have sex with a horse, but to have sex with a redneck woman instead.  That is something they have taught in Maryland schools for the last twenty years, so I already have heard it.

My favorite is when I have someone apply to work for me, and I have to give them a call regarding their application.  One time, I dial the number, and I get the old familiar "Please enjoy this ringback tone while your party is being reached".  Lo and behold, Afroman's "Because I Got High" invaded my ear holes like an unwanted brain chigger.  This was at least six years after the song came out, and roughly five years, eleven months, and two weeks after it was funny to play the song for others.  I actually tried to sit back and follow what the thought process had to be for this person.

1.  Hey, I remember that novelty song from several years ago that was all about smoking weed and ruining my life.
2.  I think that song means enough to me that I must possess it.
3.  In fact, I need everyone to know that this song epitomizes who I am, and what I am about.  If only I had an efficient means to disburse this knowledge to all that interact with me on a regular basis.
4.  Spongebob is on.  That Squidward is such a jerk. 
5.  I know!  RINGBACK TONES!
6.  I have given these prospective employees my number.  Good thing this song will let them know that I love weed and I don't care who knows it.

Needless to say, this person did not pass the background check we ran.  Perhaps it was a cry for help, or maybe she had simply smoked herself into idiocy.  Maybe, just maybe, she was just trying to save my company the $40 on the background check only to find that she had been arrested for biting a woman during a fight at the Green Turtle. 

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