Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The Mauling of the Faithful 2013

For those of you that aren't fans on the Facebook page, you really should join.  Here is the amalgamation of all of the Maulings of the Faithful for this year.

Leigh Dowdle Profit, under the psuedonym of Starla Pippenshaw, perpetrated an elaborate series of events through six states and over a period of three years in order to ensure that a 37 year old widower named Brian Duritz would be standing at the corner of 3rd and Maynard in Portland, Oregon on May 27, 2013, just so she could drive by and make fun of his harelip.

Kevin Johnston sold the rights to the T is his last name to both Ice T and Mr. T.  When they disputed the ownership, he locked them both in a shipping container with one knife and told them to settle it themselves.

To answer the question posed in song by Barry Mann, Zach Rothstein put the Bomp in the Bomp She Bomp She Bomp.  And by that, I mean Zach punched a seagull out of the air and tried to make it into a hat.

Tom Barnes created the character Jar Jar Binks.

Jamie Dowd Latsko is the reason why Dominos can no longer guarantee delivery in 30 minutes or less after an elaborate Home Alone style set of booby traps left six delivery people wounded.

Eric Wilder has a lifetime ban from IHOP for a misunderstanding over what the “P” stood for in the sign.

Jamie Book once tackled a deer and rode it like a toboggan down a snowy hill.

Michy Aja has never been kind, and has never rewound.  Blockbuster went under because of her.

Regina Harris Lee has never left a penny in the leave a penny, take a penny.

Col Kpati denies that taxicabs are a real thing.

Timothy Dodge thought it would be funny if he had an archrival named Chevy.  Chevy Chase has not been amused, and has sworn a blood vendetta, which only spurs Tim on further.

Hilary Brooks has never said a word containing the letter “E” in conversation.  That’s mainly because she only mutters the word “blood” just loud enough for people to hear.

Jonathan and Christopher Beasley are the illegitimate children of Hall and Oates.  Hall was the mother.

Brian Massey has lobbied for years to get the nickname “Sassy Massey”.  The third time he was rejected, he burned down his own house in protest.

James King is an elaborate disguise of Eddie Murphy.

Joe Flannigan was once thrown out of Sea World for biting an otter on the face.  He was later given a medal of honor when psychics revealed that otter would have gone on to assassinate Elijah Wood for starring in the Flipper movie.

Liam Webb still enters soapbox derby races for the sole purpose of crashing into other carts and ruining the dreams of the children that built them.

Jordan Free is not free.  He is quite costly, in fact.

Ellen Kathryn makes little figurines out of the hair she brushes off of her pets.  She loves those figurines more than she ever loved the actual pets.

Tobey Mitchell is The Noid.

John Olson reviews different kinds of moist towelettes on Youtube.  He’s made millions of dollars doing so, and regularly forces the less fortunate to dance for his entertainment.

Lynne Fletcher was the person who convinced the band Three Dog Night to break up.

To this day, Dori Gregory will violently defend the claim that the Harry Potter book series is based off of a trip she took to Woolworth’s in 1999.

Dennis Fleming won’t even bother to read this sentence until I include the phrase “devil monkey”.

Laura Redfield has slaughtered millions of defenseless animal crackers.  She’ll be tried for her war crimes in January.

Theresa DeLizza has never blinked.  She says it’s a sign of weakness, and weakness is for Swedes.

Tomas Corazon was known as Hershel Pemis until he changed his name.  

Derrick Gray is the all time high scorer in Dance Dance Revolution due to his pioneering of a new form of the Running Man.  If he did even one move incorrectly, it could kill thousands.  Luckily, he’s never done anything wrong.

Catharine Chow Yoo and InSung Yoo are terrified that the cartoon strip “Garfield” will come true, because they’ve invested their life savings in Stouffer’s frozen lasagna.

Timothy Lankes has the unfortunate distinction of being the only person in America to have had a bowl cut, mullet, and rat tail haircut all at the same time.  They say he achieved enlightenment, though.

Gwyneth Whieldon has gone “Single White Female” on a Boston Crème Pie on eighteen separate occasions.

Errick Tirell is responsible for every movie Steven Segal has ever made. 

Nico Danks and Did Langrock think their names are sooooo coooooool.

Tenley Martin has broken my heart on no less than 300 occasions.  She says it is better than a cup of coffee to her.

Hannah Piper Burns, Stephanie Marie O’Brien and  Mary Kate Schneider Truesdale have had an ongoing battle on who can have the longest name.  While Mary Kate is currently winning, Stephanie is paying off a judge to change her name to Ricki Ticki Tembo No Sar Rembo Per Mer Uchi Pip Peri Pembo.  Hannah will retaliate by adding “Smith” to her last name, because she doesn’t really get the rules. 

Libby Davis ghost wrote the book “Where The Red Fern Grows” because she felt not enough children were crying in the world.

Elizabeth Anne O’Sullivan, Antonia Scholz and Michelle Trotter Milne are the three most frightening women under 5 foot tall I have ever met.  One day they will join forces and take over the country, or just team up to get something off of a high shelf.

David McKenna will never love anything as much as he loves the Taco Bell Gordita Crunch.

True story: Nancy Stange once tried to poison me in a Red Robin.  Luckily for me, the antidote was delicious hamburgers and bottomless fries.
Monica Cavanaugh is the result of genetic testing on hummingbirds.  She is why the Geneva Convention happened.

Chris Biller dresses up like Captain Hook and “invades” Long John Silver restaurants for the sexual thrill.

Corey Kehew’s favorite band, food, and arts and craft supply is Black Eyed Peas.  He just loves to let them fall through his hands while he giggles at them.

Karen Donnelly has perfected the ability to “mind Meld” with gummi bears.  She has only ever used this talent for evil.  

Jered Hannawald wants to know what love is, and he wants you to show him.  This is not a request.

Jade Marie Vega sends postcards to strangers.  All of them have a picture of a falcon on the front, and say, “If you stop loving me, I will kill you” on the back.

David Gregory was named Smith Campbell but he hates last names.

Jen Greenwood  once called out of work to play Sonic the Hedgehog for seven hours straight.  It wouldn’t have been a problem if she wasn’t the only air traffic controller at her airport.

Margaret Alldredge will kill again.

Katie Sill has tried for three years to start a Prince tribute band, just so she can finally wear velour in public without shame.

Brooke Summers and Tim Pumplin run the best hostel/pancake house one drunk guy on Yelp has ever been to.

Lisa McQuigan is the devil.  Nothing else cute.  She is the dark lord.

Kelly Vance Klocek invented Crocs as a form of birth control, but no one ever caught on.

Chris Law loves disco.  

Becky Bradford wanted to be the new Paula Deen, up until Paula Deen didn’t want to be the old Paula Deen.  Now Becky wants to be the new Greg Gumbel.

Christopher Neu became obsessed with rhymes, so he moved into a shoe, played a blue kazoo, went to the new zoo, and then infected himself with the flu.  If anything, he showed commitment. 

Every song Amanda Conway has ever written has been about the movie Glengarry Glenn Ross.

Angela Desmond was driven mad when she couldn’t figure out the difference between stalgtites and stalagmites.

Bodine Boling still mails dead Welshmen to my house, after all of these years.

Ryan Protos tickles people when he is stressed out.  This led to his firing from the Bomb Squad.

Annelise Montone holds the distinction of being the only native born American to have slapped every major guest star from the tv show Friends.  

William Chris Ward sued the professional wrestling group WCW over stealing his initials, and sued Macho Man Randy Savage over stealing his wardrobe.  

Scott and Ted Humburg were the inspiration for the character of Station in Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, mainly because they constantly run into each other trying to fuse into a SuperHumburg. 
Julie Stricker, from what I can gather, is either the most hardcore person I hope to meet, or is the most hardcore person I hope I never meet.

Jodi Bailey, make up your damned mind about when you want to use the letter Y.  Everyone is getting tired of this shit.

Jessica Chappell dances like no one is watching.  We are all watching, and most of us are judging.  The Cabbage Patch is not acceptable.

Lisa Burkman Solier.   Nerd.

Kyle Reedy ate a live goldfish on a bet.  What he doesn’t know is that it’s still in there, and it’s stealing all of his vitamins.  He’s going to get scurvy any day now.

Clare Zuraw will only use onomatopoeia to communicate.

Heather Davidson Friel hates me so much she put a curse on my family, even though she is my cousin.

Natalie Litofsky, like Peter Pan, has no shadow.  Unlike Peter Pan, she framed hers for arson and it’s been in prison for years.

Matthew Mebert…oh Matt, you just makes things too easy.  Please…just walk away.

Katie Giraulo has been described as human tennis elbow.  The President has since apologized.

Keith Robertson is just a sack of skin filled to the brim with chiggers.

Laura Brockmeyer does not believe in the sky.

Jolene Schafer believes that she derives her powers from a Nintendo Power pack.  She carries it wherever she goes. 

Philip Walters’ idea of rebellion is occasionally spelling his first name with two “L”s on official documents.

Katie Cavallo eats kittens marinated in mushrooms.

Layla Calderon once tried to hijack a steamliner and crash it into Pauley Shore’s house.  Unfortunately for her, he lives in Nebraska, spending his days reliving Son In Law.

Michael Asplen worked for four months as an understudy to Corey Haim on a Reno, Nevada production of The Apple Dumpling Gang.  He calls that time period “The only time I was ever really alive”

Morgan Booz driving a moped made of turkey bones.  She made it during a nightmare.
Sarah Fisher has held my last name hostage for the last thirty years.  Her demands are a vat of lime jello and a strapping Norwegian man named Fleegor.
There is nothing I can make up about Ben Carioso or Joel Van Goor that is more off base than anything they’ve actually done.

Emily Teresa runs a dice game every Thursday at the Chuck-E-Cheese.

Hanna Gribble told me she would hit me with her car if she wasn’t worried I would dent it.

Jesse Howell steals eggs from bird’s nests and uses them in his perverted rituals

Jordan Bradford has thirty seven children with fifty two different women.

Steve Nickerson’s only love is a manila envelope he calls Puddin’ Face.

Sarah Mattes dresses like a geisha and tries to serve people McDonald’s apple pies at funerals.

Chris Layman funded every movie remake in the past five years.

David Wendig sang the definitive version of “Inna Gadda Davida” and has never spoken since.

Brittany Potts wrote a pilot for a show called “Potts and Kettle”.  It’s a show about her as a police woman, interacting with her partner Detective Agatha Kettle.  It was bought by Fox but never filmed, because it was needlessly racist.

Heather Rhodes Comegys smiled for the first time at the age of 28, when she saw a pigeon sucked into an airconditioner.  The pigeon owed her money.

Jordan Riccio wears a cape everywhere he goes. 

Joyce Phelps writes fan fiction about Debbie Gibson concerts.

James Yamakawa coats himself in grease and tries to break the sound barrier on slides at public playgrounds.
Benjamin Kloch still believes that Welcome Back Kotter is a documentary.

Jefe Tolbert roleplays as Mary Poppins.

Maggie Small Ferguson has made a lucrative living picking fistfights with Art Gallery tour guides.

Melanie Evans Curro is the chupacabra.

Sharon Rothblum Schlenger once ate seven pounds of marshamallows in a sitting.  It was regarded as the best Christmas mass her church had ever seen.

Laura and Erin McSpadden are part of the third best Heart coverband in North Carolina.

Andrea Buntz Neiman and Laura Weinand are destined to have a “Beat It’ style knife fight over the Dewey Decimal System.

Matt Lesley gets very agitated when listening to CCR playing “Have You Ever Seen The Rain”.  He feels like they never listen when he answers “Yes”.

Jaclyn Whittington, no matter how many different wigs you wear or costumes you wear, you will not trick me into getting into your car.

Megan Usilton lures children into her gingerbread house in the woods.

Mike Muszyski is known as the Pierogi King of Utah, but he’s only known as that in Arizona.

Travis Shaw digs holes at night in his backyard, whistling a hearty tune as the neighbors silently weep.

Valerie Sedai refuses to acknowledge that Matthew McConnaughy is a thing.

Elizabeth Friedel practices Krav Maga in case she ever has to fight a nun.  This is her greatest fear.
Vicki Fisher his racist against puppets.
Megan McGilloway has been doing the Neutron Dance constantly for seven years. 

Holly Brownley is convinced that culottes are making a comeback.  She has knitted eighty pairs.
Kurt Lewis was the only child that Supernanny couldn’t handle.  The Dog Whisperer couldn’t help him either.
Jessica Emerson was given the ability to go back in time for five minutes.  She used it to buy some Ecto Cooler.

Monica Cavanaugh has the habit of licking lightposts as she passes them.  She is now immune to all disease.


  1. It's true. I have her four-octave voice, too. The top of my range is audible only to dogs.

  2. And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!


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