Sunday, May 11, 2014

Dear Every Album From 1994 That Wasn't Weezer's Blue Album

Beastie Boys Ill Communication.  Stone Temple Pilots Purple.  Warren G Regulate.  Hootie & The Blowfish Cracked Rear View.  All of these albums were turned to garbage on May 10, 1994 when Weezer released their first self titled album, often referred to as The Blue Album.

Well, to be fair, Hootie wasn't so great even coming out of the gate.  Maybe people wanted to love again, or something like that, but that thing has not held up.  No, see, this happens every time.  I try to make a point, and Hootie and the damned Blowfish get me off topic, and I never get to where I was going.  This is like my best man speech at Steve and what's her face's wedding again.  Oh, don't judge me.  She was a temperamental harpy before they married, and I knew it wasn't going to last.

ELLEN! That was her name.  Happy now?  Just because I was in the wedding doesn't mean I have to remember her name.  She never let me come around anyway after she trapped him in her web. 

Anyway, The Blue Album spoiled every other album that came out that year, even spoiling several for the next year, especially Jewel's Pieces of You.  How could any album hold up to the songwriting talents of Matt Sharp and Rivers Cuomo before he became weird and pompous like a musical Jason Schwartzman?  With this week marking then 20th anniversary, I'm just going to go track by track to analyze just why it is the greatest album of the year.

Track 1- My Name is Jonas:  It lures you in with the guitar picking, making you think the is going to be some kind of lite rock hippie poppycock, but then BAM! the distortion kicks in and it's all DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN AND I'M CARRYIN' THE WHEEL! and then I remember I'm driving and grab the wheel again.  Every frickin time. 

Track 2- No One Else- You think it's taking it down a notch, but it's not.  It's still rockin'.  No one has socks anymore, and plastic surgeons are geeking out because of all the melted faces. 

Track 3- The World Has Turned and Left Me Here- How is this still happening?  If this was an erection, it would be priapism at this point.  This song is the best yet.  The layering at the end make baby seals feel ugly because it is just that beautiful.

Track 4- Buddy Holly and Track 5- Undone- The Sweater Song- Shut your face.  If these hadn't gotten overplayed, you would love these songs.  The video for Buddy Holly was awesome, and you are stupid.  Stop being stupid.

Track 6- Surf Wax America- BOOM! Back at it.  The first time I heard this song at age 11, I hitchhiked to the beach, went out to the water, and waited until a surfer made it to shore.  When he did, I punched him in the throat because his actions were sullying the song.  I would have gone to juvy but he was too scared to press charges.

Track 7- Say It Ain't So- This song is crazy.  It's all slow, then it's not, then it's slow, then it breaks your heart.  Literally.  It sonically cleaves your heart in half, cauterizes the wound, and makes you watch.  You have to be left alive, because there are still three songs left.

Track 8- In the Garage- THIS SONG IS ABOUT ME!  Except I never played D&D, or listened to Kiss, or anything they sing about.

Track 9- Holiday- The most underrated song on the album.  It's playful, yet bitchin'.  Why aren't you listening to this right now?  Ace of Base broke up because they could never write anything like this, because they are foreigners.  This song is the musical equivalent of riding Falcor from The Neverending Story.  It's all just soaring around in the clouds, surrounded by all that is fluffy, while bullies dive into dumpsters. 

Track 10- Only In Dreams- One second shy of eight minutes long, it's a winding, slow, mucky boat ride down a muddy river of feelings.  In college, I watched a fan video of this song set to footage from Cowboy Bebop, right around when Youtube was just starting.  I thought it was awesome at the time because I was 20, drunk alot, and Cowboy Bebop is awesome.

Anyone need anymore convincing?  How do you like that, Bone Thugz 'N Harmony?  Weezer just kicked your ass 'N then some. Go listen to this album and stop listening to Adele.  It'll give her something new to cry about.

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