Sunday, August 30, 2015

Dear Pumpkin Spice People

We get it.  You won.  Everything is going to become pumpkin spiced soon, as it did last year, and the year before.  You've turned fall from a season of harvest and turning leaves to the over-saturation of a lackluster flavor that doesn't even taste like the thing it says it is. How about you do the honorable thing and quit bragging about it then?

I don't need the posts about your pumpkin spiced lattes, your pumpkin pie flavored pancakes, or your spicy pumpkin netty pot add in.  When Muhammed Ali won a match, he danced around.  He didn't pull down his trunks and pee on his opponent, and then force his vanquished foe to legally change their name to "Shitty Loser".  Show some damned class. 

I like my pancakes to taste like little pieces of heaven, small pats of butter, and however much maple syrup I choose to guzzle as a chaser.  I don't need them to taste like cinnamon, nutmeg, or allspice, just mapley diabetes inducing pleasure. 

Do any of you even know what pumpkin tastes like?  It tastes like an unappetizing version of butternut squash.  That's why canned "pumpkin" that you use to make your pies and the pumpkin pie spice you snort to dull the pain that your ugly cardigan brings to you is made of yams for the former, and spices for the latter.  No pumpkins were smashed in the making of your fall fetish. 

Somehow, some way, I will make maple, the Rocketeer, or Asylum 880 cigars into a seasonal phenomenon, then you'll have to hear allllllll about it, because turnabout is fair play, bitch. 

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