Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Dear Kid Playing Magic the Gathering at Witz End Comics in Augusta, Maine in 2004

You do not know me and my friends.  Therefore, when we enter the comic book store you apparently never leave, please do not announce, "Oh, look! It's the caravan!".  Yes, there are several of us.  I do not, however believe that constitutes a caravan.  Even if it fits the Webster's definition of the word caravan, you are still wrong, because I feel like you were wearing a cape.  Maybe you weren't.   You just really seem like the type of kid that would be wearing a cape out in public.  This is not a compliment. 

I do not want to be in this store.  I only came in because apparently when the group takes a vote, six "yesses" overrule one prolonged groan, a series of whines, and me lying down on the sidewalk in protest.  You being all cheerful that the caravan has arrived does not help matters.  I have subsisted on a diet of red hots, fiddle heads, and brandy for the past week.  I have been bathing in a lake and I haven't shaved in days.   What out of any of that leads you to believe I will be glad to hear your greeting?

As I wandered the store, I heard you conferring with the rest of the nerds of the round table.  Apparently, a "white deck" in Magic is the equivalent of being hung like Ron Jeremy, because you announce that you have one at every possible instance.  At one point, someone asked a question, and your answer was " He-LLOOOOOOO.  WHITE DECK!"  This, young street urchin, is why you are not allowed to have nice things.  This is also why I left the store and stood outside, glaring at you through the window.  Had you turned around and waved, I would have set the store on fire.


  1. car·a·van/ˈkarəˌvan/

    A group of people, esp. traders or pilgrims, traveling together across a desert in Asia or North Africa.
    Any large group of people, typically with vehicles or animals traveling together, in single file.

    The question becomes were you traveling with any animals, and or were you walking single file?

  2. You sound like the life of the party

    1. I fully admit I was being a pain in the ass.


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