Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Dear Blog Readers

I've never asked for much from you, my readers.  I used to be happy that you would come here, enjoy my blog, and leave me some comments.  That was just fine to keep me going when this all started.

It's not easy staying angry all the time.  I keep depriving myself of things I love to make sure I have that mental edge I need to go off half cocked on an old lady at the grocery store, or to scream at children on the street.  In the last six months I have given up smoking, stopped eating the food I love, and spent my free time exercising, all to make sure I stay angry at all times.  I woke up one night and my right kneecap was turned 90 degrees in the wrong direction, all because I have been running too much and possibly have no ligaments holding it on.  I would ask the doctor, but as we've covered, I refuse to go to him.  If I had a wife I would have made her leave me.  That is how far I go for all of you.

This hasn't been enough, though.  Against my will, I have had a good couple of weeks.  The weather has been great, I've gotten to go golfing, I went on vacation last week, and baseball season starts soon.  I've spent time outdoors and have seen my friends more than I normally do, and because of all of these things, I have not been as angry.  When I am not angry, I don't sit in my dark little home office, stabbing at the keyboard with vehemence as I feed you readers the juicy, savory broth of my malcontent and enmity.  When you are not nourished by my hate, you poke, prod, and belittle me until I am angry again, and the vicious circle continues.

Now it's time to call in my marker.  If you people want me to stay angry, you need to make me a little happier.  If I don't know happiness, how can I truly know rage?

So, you bloodsucking leechmonkeys, I demand gifts.  Ladies, send in your sexy pictures.  Gentleman, I demand handcrafted wooden trinkets and t- shirts from The Chivery.  I would like three pallets of Moxie diet sodas, a copy of Brain Donors on DVD, and seven of the wax lions like they had on the tv show Wonderfalls.  God help you if those lions do not have smooshed faces.  I also require one of the original A-Team vans to facilitate some shenanigans with one of my two lawyers (lawyers, you can bicker between yourselves as to which of you it will be).

Go ahead.  See if I am joking, people.  You have three days.


  1. Your 3 days is up. I hope that made you really mad.

  2. Actually, I received many the "sexy" picture on Facebook. "Sexy" being the equivalent of what the offkilter mind that enjoys my rantings would consider sexy.

    Someday, more people will use this comment section for the commenting. That will be a good day.


I appreciate your comments. I appreciate them even more if you sign in or let me know who you are. Otherwise I get paranoid trying to figure out who you are, and that ends up with me having to watch The Sandlot to calm myself down.