Monday, April 16, 2012

Dear Slow Golfers

You aren't the only people that can have off at 1PM on a Tuesday.  I get sporadic days off, and I like to get some golf in when I can.  Ideally, playing golf means I get to play a round in around two hours.  That can't happen when I have to follow you poor excuses for golfers around the course.

You play golf like a man making love to a saxophone, and I do not mean like a man making love to a woman or another man while a saxophone is playing softly for ambiance.  I mean that when you play golf you look like a man that has greased himself up and violently taken the innocence of a woodwind instrument in some dark janitor's closet.  I don't need to watch your spastic flailing from the tee box as you hit your approach shot lying 14 for the hole.  Etiquette states that slow players allow faster players to go ahead, but like everyone else in this idiotic world, the rules don't apply to you. 

I worked at a golf course ten years ago with a former WWII Marine.  I ran into the now 88 year old man last Tuesday at the golf course, and we decided to take this war to the streets.  For the sake of anonymity I will call him Magnus Von LaserRifle.

Magnus and I played 9 holes of golf in 45 minutes.  We ran into a couple playing what seemed to be a six hour round of golf.  Magnus saw this, and decided that it shall not stand.  As the man in the couple went to hit, Magnus cleared his throat as loudly as possible.  The man stopped, looked at us, then tried again.  This time, Magnus made a noise that sounded roughly like a velociraptor strangling Chewbacca during an air raid.  They looked back in horror as Magnus smiled, spit on the ground, and uttered a phrase that started with "Fuc" and ended in "King A right."  He then asked me to hit my drive at the couple, because he was afraid they were too far away for his own shot to hurt them.

Understand this, golfers.  I was made to play the voice of reason to an 88 year old man who wanted nothing else than to use my brute strength as a weapon to harm you for his amusement.  I don't like to be the voice of reason, and I don't know how much longer I can do it convincingly.  So please, play ready golf.  Do not take more than two practice swings, and never sit around talking at a tee when you can see other golfers behind you.  You never know when one of those men could be Magnus Von LaserRifle.   The man survived Guadalcanal, and he feels no compunction with making you bleed.

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