Sunday, August 5, 2012

Dear Faux Hawk Wearers

I sincerely hope you understand that you are sporting this decade's version of the Flock of Seagulls haircut.  Remember that jheri curls were in at one point too, and Achey Breaky hair burned too brightly and died out far too soon. Faux Hawks are like every Green Day album after Nimrod.  They want to be punk, but are terrified of going too extreme so they become some generic hodgepodge of awful banality. 

In college, I had an honest to God, razor to the sides of my head mohawk.  I had it for a week and it looked almost as terrible as that hot mess you have sculpted from your highlighted grease nest.  I feel like you just put up a giant sign on your head saying "Hit me with a shovel.  I may not even feel it."

Please understand that what you are doing could easily just be called a "Top Mullet".  Feel tough now, hotshot?  Know what is even tougher?  Not spending you money on "hair product" and taking precious time to style your hair into that eyesore.

I am not advocating poor personal grooming.  I am simply saying there is no reason to do anything more than run a comb through your hair.  Anything more and you are just masturbating your vanity.

Wanna throw it back at me?  I take some time in the morning to shave my head.  Sure, that is for vanity reasons.  I started going bald at 21 and grey at 27.   I got dealt a bad hand, and did something about it.

Here's a list of people that shave their heads- Yul Brenner, Dwight Eisenhower, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Ghandi, Patrick Stewart, Michael Chiklis, and Bryan Cranston.

Here's a list of people with Faux Hawks- Clay Aiken.

Checkmate, douchebag.


  1. You're spot on. The first time I saw a faux-hawk was years ago, during my brief and surreal time working for a major ad agency. One of the "creative" VP's came in over the weekend sporting one, and I assumed it was just really bad bedhead. Oh Cthulhu, that's intentional? At least when I had a mohawk I was an angst-filled adolescent. Also, your hilarious Allen's Coffee Brandy post is what I send to everyone "from away" when I need to explain it.

    I'd cease being anonymous but for work reasons I need to be cautious, and I hate Google+ despite having friends that work there, and can't figure out how to send a message w/o that. Maybe eventually I'll create a fake Facebook account and block my IP address to keep the data miners at bay. Yeah, I know a bunch of data miners, too. I just want to be able to send messages without posting them to all the world.

    -Appreciative reader somewhere near Rockland (Martini)

    1. It's appreciated regardless of anonymity. You can always get me at the blog email at letterstomyenemies(@) as well.


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