Sunday, March 31, 2013

Dear Easter Bunny

You are not an acceptable holiday mascot.  In fact, there have only been two acceptable holiday mascots- Santa Claus, and the murderous leprechaun from the movie of the same name.  Why are they legit and not you?  You are even scarier than good ol' Lep in the Hood, and if you believe his rap, he's out to do no good. 

Why did malls decide it would be a good idea to have some minimum wage schlub dressed up as you?  The Santa thing works because Santa is not a over proportioned monster.  There has never been a horror movie about a giant Santa murdering people.  They are always regular sized Santas murdering people in movies.  Meanwhile, there have been three movies about giant mind freak rabbits.  Night of the Lepus, Harvey, and Donnie Darko.  Night of the Lepus and Donnie Darko don't end well for anyone, and poor Jimmy Stewart actually talked normally before he was in Harvey.

I saw one of these costumed atrocities firsthand.  There was only one child being forced to sit with what I can only assume was the true form of Satan in a bow tie and vest.  Despite the best efforts of the parents and the cameraman, and the apathetic efforts of a man whose life choices have led to him being dressed as a Bunny in public, the child would have none of it.  When placed on the Bunny's lap, the child let out the shrill cry of the damned, then went boneless and slid to the floor.  We could learn much from this child. 

How did Easter get to this point?  It. started as a solemn religious holiday observing a man dying for the sins of the world, then supposedly resurrecting days later.  Now, it has been co-opted by the Furry community and rewritten by the lovechild of H.P. Lovecraft and H.R. Puffinstuff.  Seriously, let's really look at this.  When and how exactly do you go from a grisly Biblical execution to people sporting pastel colors hiding candy filled eggs, and a man/rabbit/demon harboring a fixation on children?  Where is the rabbit getting all of these eggs from?  Who thought pastels were ever a good idea?  You might as well have Chtulu dressed in paisley and handing out pumpkins to the elderly. 

There is no reason that you should be associated with anything other than bad science fiction, or with dark, dank basements late at night. 


  1. All of the photographic evidence one would need to support this thesis . . .


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