Dear Texters

Is it that you have something very important to say?  Or maybe you are very excited to tell me something?  It can't be that you have a well thought out and precisely worded admission, question, or plea that you need me to read.  How about we all just sit back, cool out, and compose out thoughts before we whip out that cell phone.

Here's the thing: I get text messages everyday, and I am not a popular person.  I am not even that likeable most days.  Most people that have my phone number know that, for the most part, I prefer to be reached through a phone call.  I don't like taking the time it takes to write out a text message with my giant thumbs on a tiny keyboard.  In half that time, I could have said exactly what I needed to say.  Perhaps this marks me as outdated, in a world that values quick text messages over actual interaction. 

Text messages are helpful in situations.  I know this.  My problem is the way that people act in the milieu.  The most obvious complaint I have is the the war crimes against the English language that occur in the name of texting.  "R U coming 2 nite? Gr8!  K! Luv U!"  If I get a text like that, chances are I will throw holy water in your awful face next time I see you to try to drive out whatever Enochian hellbeast has slutted up your conversation skills.  No one is so busy that they have to abbreviate that much.  This is born from laziness, arrogance, and a sheer lack of respect for the person you are sending the message to.

Emoticons are terrible as well.  If you think that it is so imperative for me to know the mood you are trying to convey when you wrote "Miss you, LOL! :)" then you should have called me.  Emoticons are only sent so one reason: to try to be cute.  Here is a helpful tip: if you are trying to be cute, you have already failed.  Here is a list of the only things that are acceptably "cute":
1) Kittens and puppies
2) Women in sun dresses
3) The fact the the Pittsburgh Pirates are still allowed to be a Major League Baseball team.

Emoticons are obnoxious, and are born from an assumption that the person you are sending a message to is too stupid to ascertain your intent.  You might as well just hit someone in the knee with a tack hammer after speaking to them.  It would be less offensive, and only slightly more overt.

My biggest gripe is the rapid texter. This is the person who sends one line of text at a time, as fast as possible, operation under the assumption that I don't already have a twitch every time I hear my text sound.  When I get this:
-Hey
-What're you up to?
-Wanna get dinner?
-Maybe get some drinks?

All of these things are sent in under twenty seconds, with no time in between for someone to respond.  Would it not make more sense to instead send this:
- Hey, wanna get some dinner or drinks if you are free?

Look at that.  One unobtrusive sentence.  No violent bombardment of ringtones.  No mounting frustration as you try to type an answer while more and more questions roll in individually.  No anxiety, no building resent, and no eventual shattered friendship because I threaten to seduce your mother in retaliation for your utter lack of decorum.

Do you really want our friendship to be over because you can't take your time and use your phone right?  Remember, some drums, and some moms, can't be unbanged.