Sunday, July 21, 2013

Dear Retro Tank Top Wearers

I have no idea what possessed clothing companies to start making retro tank tops.  I've seen them in all sorts of stores, and I can't see the reasoning behind the trend.  There has to be a fairly limited thought process that a man goes through when he looks to buy a shirt like this:

1) Will it show off my awesome tribal band/cross/heart/infinity symbol tattoo on my arm?

2) Will it show off my muscles?  I mean, it's going to make me look like The Rock, right?

3) These stripes are going to make my pecs just pop, right bro?

4)  Will my chains go with this shirt?  Wait, of course they will.

5) No one is going to notice my shoulder hair.  I know it.

6)  Is this going to be tight, or is it gonna be TIGHT?!?

I had a free night this weekend, and with some friends in town for a wedding, we decided to go out to a dock bar.  The awesome Kleptoradio was playing a show, and it seemed like a good way to spend a horribly hot and humid night.  We settled in with drinks, and, while the band did not disappoint, the crowd became the true show.  It can probably be chalked up to yet another way that Jersey Shore has made a lasting pit stain on America, but almost every man or manboy in the crowd was wearing terrible striped 70's/80's retro tanks.  Whether they had ever tried to do a pushup, or if they had never seen the sun before, sleeves had been banished by these people with a prejudice usually reserved for Northerners or proper English.  Within minutes, this guy was strutting in front of two girls who either got by the bouncer with great fake ID's, or more likely, low cut tops.
I didn't blur his face.  The loud colors of the shirt are causing a heat type shimmer effect.  This guy had his chest pushed out further than a sorority girl trying to get out of a speeding ticket.  He found several totally organic, not forced at all instances where he could flex his muscles while drinking that beer, too.

I tried to get some pictures of some of the other fashionistas as well, but, like the mighty Sasquatch, they were naturally blurry creatures that could not be captured on film.

Seriously, I don't care how hot it is out.  When did society become too good forr sleeves?  Are we going to move forward from these and move up to 90's retro tanks?  Neon, garish colors, or better yet, is hypercolor coming back?  That way when you are getting sexually frustrated trying to flirt with a woman your shirt can change all the colors of the douchebag rainbow.  I swear, the guy with the backwards cap on the left had shaved his armpits.  I don't even have a retort for that, because it makes me swallow my tongue when I try.  My body tries to kill me when I try to make it process that kind of vanity.

The guy on the right, well, he's a different story.  I walked into the men's room, and he was at a urinal. As I was minding my own business, I hear him giggle, then blurt out, to his friend at the sink "Hey man, look at this.  I got Steve Wilkos here at the urinal.  Better watch out or he'll throw me out of this bathroom."  He then began laughing like a special needs marmot, and tried to high five me with the hand that he had been holding his penis with seconds previously.  He proved two things: one, HE DOES NOT FOLLOW THE RULES, and two, idiot guys who wear tank tops have to travel in packs to the bathroom like teenage girls.

To his credit, he very quickly realized that he had crossed a line, and he and his friend ran very quickly from that restroom. 

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