Sunday, July 6, 2014

Dear Men on Vacation

Every man grows a beard on their vacation, even if they can barely grow facial hair.  As long as you aren't going to some fancy dinner or are at a destination wedding, you just aren't going to shave.  It's part of the rules.  I'll even allow you Hawaiian shirts and sandals, even though I think they are cliched and awful.  This isn't about what I think is right or wrong.  It's about what is right and decent.  That's why it's becoming a troublesome trend that men have decided never to wear sleeves on vacation.

I see it every weekend at the hotel: men wandering around in cutoffs, tank tops, or wifebeater undershirts.  They go to the breakfast buffet without a care of getting shoulder hair in the eggs, and their pale biceps shriek as they enter the sunlight for the first time in ages.  For the most part, the only muscle definition these arms have seen in the past ten years were on a steak they were cutting.  You all become an army of Daryl Sheets as a statement saying, "This is me relaxed.  Behold the majesty."

 I am truly baffled.   I understand it is a trend to wear tanktops.  It's like 1991 all over again.  I keep waiting to the new Bel Biv Devoe cassingle to drop.   That explains those, but not the shirts with the sleeves cut off.  These shirts were bought with sleeves, but these men declared, "Nay, this shall not be" and took what looks like a rusty screwdriver to them.  This very morning, a man walked by me with a shirt whose cutoff sleeves left an opening from shoulder to belt.  He was showing more sideboob than a Chive photo gallery and I wanted none of it. 

I own three sleeveless shirts.  They are all Under Armour, and they are all for boxing/workout.  The most public place I wear them is when I mow the lawn to combat my farmer's tan, and this is only the third most embarrassing thing I do in my yard.  Even so, my arms are endlessly more muscular and defined than most I see, and that is a sad statement.  The average man is much more Larry the Cable Guy than Bruce Willis in Die Hard.  The average guy I see walking around on their vacation has a bigger chest than the women they are with. 

Are we just going to keep going less is more here?  Let' go with mesh half shirts to really air out our torsos.  Nothing says "vacation" like horrifically sunburned nipples. 

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