Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Dear Nurse Practitioner From the Previous Letter

When I walk out of the doctor's office after you saw me for a whole five minutes, and I am told I can just leave, am I wrong to assume that I am not being charged?  It was an extremely brief visit and I never even saw a doctor.  It is not so shocking for me to think that maybe for once I had some luck at the doctor's office.

Imagine my surprise when I received a $60.00 bill in the mail today for that 5 minute visit.  Let me put this another way: that translates to $720 an hour.  I do not remember getting a reach around at any point.  Maybe I blacked out because of the pain from my ulcers and you serviced me, but I do not remember this.  I am certain, however, that we probably never kissed because prostitutes that charge as much as you do don't let the client kiss them.

I would love to repeat that you are not a doctor.  Apparently your practice does not adjust the rate according to whether I see someone who actually went to medical school or not.  I refuse to believe that I should be charged this much for you looking into my mouth and then checking my ears. For that type of money I should have gotten those things, had my face painted, and had you compose and sing me a funny song on the spot.

So, basically, congratulations to you.  I now am making a solid pledge that no matter what is wrong with me, I will never go back to the doctor.  I will wait it out and hope it gets better, like I should have done here. I cannot trust that I will get fair treatment from the health care industry, because doctors make up diseases for me to have, and apparently nurses simply screw me without buying me dinner first.  And you were a male nurse, so it wasn't the good Vegas kind of screwing.

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