Thursday, February 2, 2012

Dear Television Lineup People

What has been done today will never be forgotten, not now or in the future when our kitten overlords look through our annuls of history.  I am fairly certain this constitutes a war crime.  If it doesn't I am not sure I want to be a citizen of this country anymore.

Scanning through network television, I see reruns of sitcoms.  Must see television indeed.  NBC, you won't even show Community anymore, but I have a feeling that will be fodder for a future letter.  Handle that one carefully, because I will most likely rub that one all over a leprous street urchin. 

Cable tv providers, you have sickened me even further.  I see a rerun of NCIS, SyFy is showing frigging FaceOff for the love of Nick Cage's stilted acting and horrible wigs, and Comedy Central is showing Russell Simmons Presents the Ruckus.  I don't know what "the ruckus" is, but if Russell Simmons is giving it to me, I do not want it.  I not only will not take it, but I disavow that it has ever existed, and will substitute it with reruns of "Perfect Strangers." 

It is Groundhog Day.  Can you useless dregs of creativity possibly think that maybe there is something more fitting that you could be showing?  Possibly the movie ranked 32nd best comedy of all time?  A movie that is a delightful mix of dark comedy, romantic comedy, and existentialism?  A movie that not only represents the last instance of at least two Ghostbusters on the screen at the same time, but also may be the cause of there being no third Ghostbusters thanks to the falling out of Bill Murray and Harold Ramis during filming?  (I hear Bill Murray took the last porkchop from craft services and Ramis was inconsolable until he was brought a live gorilla to fight and eat) 

I am of course speaking of the movie "Groundhog Day."  Seriously, this is a layup for you morons.  You were handed this on a silver platter.  It is an instant filler for two and a half hours of lineup, yet you chose to show me the equivalent of tv herpes instead.  In olden times, I would have every right to slaughter all of your cattle and take your land for my own because of this injustice.  Instead, I made some horrific noises that made my cat puff up and hide, and I may or may not have broken a toe doing "The Dance of Infinite Sorrow."  It's eerily similar to the dance Peppermint Patty does in "A Charlie Brown Christmas," but with a flail.

And do you want to know the worst part of this?  No, it is not that you have hereby shown that you are less qualified than weathermen to do your job.  It is that there was one channel that did in fact show Groundhog Day. 

That channel?

Country. Music. Television.

And with that, Bill Murray opened one of his six mouths and sang the song that ended the world.

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