Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Dear Ukulele

Why do you have to be so small?  I like you very much, but you would make me look foolish if I were to play you.  I am 6'9".  The largest ukulele is usually 19" for a baritone.  That is a 62 inch difference, or a whole Mugsy Bogues.  It would be like the time I tried to use the urinal at the elementary school.  It ends with me making a terrible mess and children laughing at me, and guess what?  You can't take revenge on kids, especially if they aren't yours.  Things go south real quick when you try that. 

I want to play you very badly, but I remember when this happened before.  I bought a mandolin for my 20th birthday.  My stupid fat fingers took up two frets at a time.  I only played sad, tuneless songs and had to sell it a month later because as usual, Lenny was too big to pet the puppies.  And the schoolchildren laughed and laughed. 

So now I have to watch videos of other people playing you on Youtube.  That can be nice when a pretty woman with a nice voice is playing a song I like.  In fact, that is something I really like to watch.  However, other "normal" sized people that "never broke a chair by sitting in it" and don't "hit their head on car ceilings" or "door jambs when the walk through a door" get to play you, and they don't do a good job.  And they don't sound awesome when they sing like I do.  It's like you filmed yourself banging some dude that's not as cool as me, and you are making me watch the video.  I didn't like that when Kat Dennings did that to me, and I like it even less now. 

Someday, maybe we can be together in a world where people won't judge us for our differences.  Until then, please stop being such a whore and letting other men run their fingers all over you.  I die a little inside every time it happens.


  1. Dear Two-Liter Bottles,

    Please continue to appear to be dainty 20-ouncers when Greg holds you in his oversized hands. The incongruity has been delighting his friends for years.



  2. ^^ Val FTW :) I am willing to bet that the ukelele would also be similarly delightful. Think Tiny Tim, but way more manly.


  3. And this is why I cannot play the ukulele. Thank you for at least throwing me a bone and saying I would be more manly than Tiny Tim, Andrea. Not sure it would be easy to be less though.

    And thank you for the walk down memory lane, Val. I didn't even think of that when I wrote this.

  4. It even looks small in this guy's hands!


  5. The 2 liter bottle of soda just makes me think of the pizza place where we ate before the Gogol Bordello concert, and you thought you were buying a 1 liter of coke instead of 2.

    1. In my defense, I had never seen the new coke 2 liters that were shaped EXACTLY like a 20 ounce. My sense of perception is skewed to begin with. This world was not made for me!


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