Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Dear Stephen Sommers

Let's be frank.  You are simply not good at your job.  You made that bad Disney adaptation of Tom Sawyer that was 90 minutes of Elijah Wood being roughly 85% eyeball, interrupted with a scene of Ron Perlman eating chicken necks.  Deep Rising was abysmal if only for the fact that you were under the delusion that Treat Williams was a viable lead actor.  My attorney tells me we can't discuss GI Joe- Rise of Cobra since litigation is still pending to try you as a war criminal for slaughtering the childhood dreams of millions. The only glimmer of promise in your career was The Mummy, which you attacked with all the deranged glee of an arthritic Kodiak bear that has learned how to use a crossbow.  You actually made that into an enjoyable, if brainless, summer movie. 

Normally, I wouldn't even bother addressing you at all.  You and Uwe Boll could continue to swap notes on how to sear pain into the hearts of moviegoers, and I would continue arguing with the clerks at the local Acme.  Now neither of us gets to do what we want, because you had to go out an make a movie of my favorite book, Odd Thomas.  Sure, it might not be War and Peace, but it makes me very happy, which puts it in rare company nowadays.  It is a movie that needs a deft hand to paint its subtleties, and perfect casting to really get the characters right.  Also, there are no gunfights through 98% of the movie, not even people holding out their index fingers at each other and saying "Peeeew!  Peeeeeeew!"

Reading what Dean Koontz, the book's author, has said about the screening he saw, and seeing the cast you have assembled, I have a faint hope that you might not ruin this, and that is what terrifies me.  You've given me hope, most likely as a way of building me up before you tear me down with some montage of Kathy Griffin and  Ben Stiller dancing to 80's tunes.  This scene has no bearing on the movie, but which you no doubt feel captures what you think is the true essence of the movie.  Why do I think you would do this?  Because you had Wolverine fighting Frankenstein monsters, Treat Williams surviving a 100 foot drop on a wave runner, and Brendan Fraser's toupee barely surviving The Mummy Returns.  You are as subtle as a fart in a spacesuit, and usually just as pleasant.

I won't make any veiled or overt threats about what will happen if this movie is horrible.  I will simply hire Elijah Wood to give you bambi eyes until you die from shame.  He's done it before and he will kill again.

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