Sunday, November 4, 2012

Dear TNT Network

It wasn't so long ago that you were known as the "Shawshank Network" because that was where you got 15 hours a day of your programming.  With that in mind, you can't tell me that you've got so much going on that you can't entertain ideas for better programming.  I looked up your schedule for Fridays.  You show 6 hours of Law and Order, followed by 2 hours of The Mentalist.  Unless you are trying to fight CBS for the Old People demographic, maybe it is time for a change, and that change is bringing back Monstervision.

When I was growing up, Friday night on TNT meant watching Joe Bob Briggs, that tall, lanky redneck, hosting B, horror, exploitation, and just plain fun movies.  The man was in Casino and was a correspondent on the Daily Show, and you had the gall to cancel his show.  Would you do that to Pesci or Jon Stewart?  I thought not.  Before him, Penn and Teller were hosting it, and your took the show away from them.  You were obviously young and confused, or else you were simply content to watch the world burn around you. 

In the twelve years since Monstervision aired, America has been laying the groundwork for its triumphant return.  Case in point, the Redneck Renaissance.  Blue Collar Comedy, Duck Dynasty, Hillbilly Handfishin', Rocket City Rednecks....I unfortunately could keep going.  Apparently we love rednecks and hillbillies now, so Joe Bob Briggs would fit right in.  This has to be the case, or Larry the Cable Guy would never have had ten movie roles and 50 tv roles after he decided to adopt a redneck persona.  Would this guy have gotten any of those things?  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nqm-vKWEkoU  To be fair, the persona he does now shouldn't either, but I digress.

Pretentious wad and horrible director Quentin Tarantino has spent the last ten years convincing everyone that B- movies and exploitation movies are the best, and that every movie today owes them.  Unfortunately, he is the only one who isn't repulsed by his voice, so no one listens.  Joe Bob was preaching about how fun these movies can be for years.  He introduced me to Phantasm and Don Cascaralli, who would later direct Bubba Hotep, a movie that may in fact heal the world.  Do you want to know how he sold me on the movie?  He gave a Drive In Total to start each movie, and for Phantasm II he said
"Twelve dead bodies. Exploding house. One four-barreled sawed-off shotgun. Dwarf tossing. Ten breasts. Embalming needles plunged through various parts of various bodies. One motor-vehicle chase, with crash-and-burn. Ear-lopping. Forehead-drilling. Wrist-hacking. Bimbo-flinging. Grandma-bashing. Devil sex. Crematorium Fu. Flamethrower Fu. Four stars. Check it out."
 That was all twelve year old Greg needed to hear to know that he had stumbled across something special.  You are depriving the world of this kind of joy, just to cram in a reshowing of some Hollywood blockbuster from five years ago  No one wants to watch Book of Eli edited for television.  That is how you get a "Yippee Kay Yay, Mr. Falcon" scenario.

4 comments:

  1. Scooter (ask Jeneane and Corey)November 26, 2012 at 6:57 PM

    Bubba Hotep! Excellent movie. Great call on it healing the world.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I have never understood how that movie isn't insanely popular. It is so funny and touching too.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete

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