Dear The Chive

On the surface, you seem like a nice diversion from any work I currently have at hand.  Upon closer paranoid inspection, or veiled through general depression, your true intentions become much more sinister.  I am convinced that you are a site tailored to show me all of the things that I want and can never have.

The most obvious posts would be all of the attractive, scantily clad, or simply fun seeming women you show daily.  This in and of itself doesn't distinguish you much from Maxim magazine or any other website or publication.  Things geared to men in their twenties tend to try to show insanely beautiful women, but try to make them seem approachable and human.  Your take on this is "Newly Single Chivettes" and "I Need to Find a Goofy Girl" threads.  I find it hard to believe that any of those women stay single for remarkably long periods of time, and despite some of the comments to the contrary, when women say they want a funny guy, they always mean a hot funny guy.  The H-O and T are all silent. 

Next, you have posts about all the neat places I will never live, and places I can never afford.  Posts about Man Caves and Bachelor pads that appear to cost at least six digits may be inspirational for me to get my ass in gear and make the money to get them, but I know I could never even come close.  In the end, they simply become an unrealistic benchmark to cheapen any accomplishment I end up making.  The salt in the wound is your "Midweek Getaway" posts where you show awesome vacation retreats that you would have to be a pimp that also robs banks and sells Faberge eggs to afford.  Given my typical work schedule, I am off midweek when this rolls out, and I get to oggle the tropical paradises from my beaten up recliner in my bleach stained "comfy clothes".  The only thing left to make me feel less awesome would be if I was jobless, unwashed and watching a video of my high school crush mocking me and laughing while I sit and wonder why I can't fly out to Malibu on a whim.

You go over the line with your "Cat Saturday" posts.  It is not fair to post pictures of cute, loveable fluffy kittens.  I have a giant orange stripey bastard cat that moans like a leper when picked up and cackles wildly while running around the house with his toys.   His favorite game is opening up bathroom doors, then running away, and he wails like a drunk until he is fed.  Don't make me despise this national treasure of a cat.

The absolute worst thing you do make me feel left out is by actually not including me in your little crew.  There are magical things called KCCO shirts.  They are green and say "Keep Calm, Chive On", the official motto of the site.  All of the posts that feature your shirts make it seem like if you have one, you are part of something special.  If a Chivette sees you out on the street in one, she will approach you.  People will buy you drinks, and you will be included in all of the camaraderie.  The only problem is, you can never buy a shirt.  They are not on sale constantly, only on the special occasions when you decide to sell them.  Worse, they sell out within minutes of when they go on sale.  Thus, you are worse than Krispy Kreme with their "Fresh Donut" sign.

Of course, none of this means I will stop going to your site, dreaming of better days ahead while loathing today.  Thank you for that.