Dear Youtube

I had big plans.  I was going to be productive.  I was going to write the post that was finally going to make my blog hit the big time.  Hyperbole and a Half?  More like half as good as me.  The Oatmeal?  A rank amateur compared to my wit and charisma.  All of the late night shows would want me on, and I would make Leno cry a river of unfunny, hacky, pun filled tears down his freak show chin when I turned him down to go on Kimmel instead.  Sandwiches would be named for me because of my fame, not just because I was able to eat six of them in under five minutes.  Men would want to be me, women would want to be with me, and Kiefer Sutherland would finally stop calling my cell in the middle of the night, quietly chuckling into his end of the line. Life would be grand, and I would be king.  Then, I found a new cute-woman-playing-a-ukulele video, and my kingdom crumbled around me in a haze of bright, happy Hawaiian sounding procrastination fury.

I don't tend to get off track very often.  I spent four days of my vacation last week turned over soil in my garden and doing yardwork when I could have been immersing myself in the wacky and charming goings-on in Cicely, Alaska via a marathon viewing of Northern Exposure.  That is some real dedication.  Yet when I am confronted with fulfilling my obligation to my loyal and spoiled readers, or watching a concert performance of Candlebox in a basement in 1994, I'll be singing along to "Left Behind" within minutes.  That is a bunch of stoner slackers from Seattle.  Make the video some attractive woman with a great voice and proficient guitar/ukulele talent like Julia Nunes, Hayley Legg, Danielle Ate The Sandwich, Lauren O'Connell, NajMeTender, or Kiersten Holine, and the battle was over before it began.  For all that is good and holy, Hayley Legg is Australian on top of it all off.  How can anything else compete?  And no one can blame this all on me be a lonely horny mess.  I watched this instead of writing a post:

 

 If those guys turn me on, I am going to have to re-evaluate ALOT of things in my life, not the least of which being that awkward night in Maine where I had to share a bed with Joinks Teabiscuit and I literally kicked him out of bed in my sleep.  

I can only imagine that if I had a weakness for videos of kittens doing cute things, or videos of idiots trying to jump off of roofs onto trampolines, I might forget to eat and die of starvation.  Luckily, there are only so any thousand videos of twenty-something women covering "Strangers" by The Kinks.  Eventually, I will have seen them all, and then I can sleep, eat, and go to work.