Dear DJ's of the World

I work at a resort.  Most weekends, from April until October, we have a wedding.  That's roughly twenty weddings a year, and I have been at this job for eight years.  Given various weeks we didn't have a wedding, or the rare day off on a Saturday, I have worked through about 140 weddings.  That means I have heard every godawful wedding song there is.  I have suffered through countless Chicken Dances, learned how to spell YMCA more times than I care to recollect, and endured the Electric Slide enough to want to get the electric chair.  I have also lived through several fads, like Gangnam Style, Call Me Maybe, the unprecedented long life of the Macarena, and that ungodly song that just keeps going "To the Left, to the Left" that I just call the Zapruder Song.  At least with those, they have a set dance, and serve a purpose of getting your drunk uncle up and moving before the vodka settles in his lungs.  There is one song, though, the worst song ever, that you DJ's refuse to retire.  That song is Kool and the Gang's "Celebration", and it is time that we put a stop to this madness.

The origins of the song are shrouded in mystery.  Some believe it was written as a funeral dirge in 1300's Latvia, as an urging for villagers to live life to the fullest before the plague took them.  Others believe it is a lullaby written by a madman that he sang to his collection of sock puppets.  Regardless, all agree that it is an insipid piece of trash that took roughly three minutes for a kindergartener to write in between snorting lines of blow and punching an ostrich in the face at a petting zoo. 

Let's take a look at the lyrics.  Here's the chorus and the first verse.

Celebrate good times, come on

(Let's celebrate)

Celebrate good times, come on

(Let's celebrate)

There's a party goin' on right here

A celebration to last throughout the years

So bring your good times

And your laughter too

We gonna celebrate your party with you

If the urging to celebrate was not clear with the "come on", it is cannonballed with 'Let's celebrate" to make sure that everyone that wasn't paying attention 2 seconds earlier got the gist.  The whole deal about a celebration lasting throughout the years is both a prophecy of doom and a vile threat by Joshua Frederick Kool and his associates.  The confusing part is where they are trying to suddenly make it my party, and act like it is a favor they are doing me by celebrating it with me.  If I am having a party, it will have a slip n' slide, some Moxie cola, and tunes that are much better than this load of post- disco drivel.  In fact, there is only one group of people I ever see at weddings or events that get up, start dancing, and just really thinking that this song "gets"them:  The whoo girls.  God, please help the whoo girls, with their unquenchable lust for red bull flavored shots and "Sweet Home Alabama", both the song and movie.

Things take a much darker turn in the bridge.

We're gonna have a good time tonight

(Ce-le-bra-tion)

Let's celebrate, it's all right

We're gonna have a good time tonight

(Ce-le-bra-tion)

Let's celebrate, it's all right

Anyone else getting a good old molesty vibe here?  The fact that they feel the need to reassure us that it is alright is bad enough.  Want to make it worse?  Imagine Willem Dafoe saying these words.  

Slowly.  

Congratulations, now you are pregnant, because despite what they told you in grade school, that is really how babies are made.