Sunday, January 11, 2015

Dear Latin Food Aficionado

Punctual as always, I had arrived earlier than the two friends that I was meeting for dinner at a Latin food restaurant.  The ladies from the Cult of Too Much Perfume, Puffy Vests, and Fluffy Boots at the hostess station in front of me decided the best option would be to form a  barricade and not let anyone near the hostess.  I am infinitely patient, so I stood back and diligently waited for the hostess to return with her too short skirt and pale pale winter legs to guide them to their table and take my reservation. 

You straggled in, comb-over plastered to your scalp, and assessed the situation.  Clearly, these ladies were the only real customers.  I was simply standing behind them, hoping to grope them, or maybe kidnap them all if all of the other 100 or so other diners should look away and provide me a chance.  You eyed me up and down, I looked at you and nodded, and you stepped through a newly opened gap in the Puffy Blockade and told the hostess you wanted a table for three.

Normally, I might let this go, but for three things.  This restaurant was very crowded, and that table of three, exactly what I wanted, might be the only thing available.  Secondly, one of my dining companions was pregnant, so I wasn't going to have her wait.  Lastly, you looked me right in the eye and then tried to dick me over, and that doesn't play.

"Hey, thanks pal.  I wasn't waiting", I told you.  You turned and stared at me, nervously.  Maybe you thought I would have left it alone, that I don't like confrontation.  Terrorists live on fear, after all, so you didn't know how to function in its absence.  You stammered out, "I...I..uh..didn't see you there."

"You mean when you looked right at me?  You didn't see me then?"

Logic befuddled you more and you simply stammered.  The hostess didn't care.  She started to take you back to a table. At this point, you finally decided to do something honorable.

"He can have the table" you muttered.

"No, please" I said, "You wanted it bad enough to push in.  Take it."

And you did.  You walked right after her and sat down without waiting for the other two in your party.  The two in my party had showed up just in time for my last words to you, and wanted to know what I had done now. 

It wasn't me though, because once you were seated, you wandered back to where we stood, and feebly tried to tell us all, "I didn't see him there."  That's like missing a wall, jackass.  Luckily she sat us, and I walked away from you.  Muttering to those around you and looking confused might be how you usually get what you want, but when someone calls you on it, just gracefully bow out.  You know you were being a prick, so just own up to it. 

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