Sunday, January 25, 2015

Dear Television Theme Songs

There is a set way things tend to be done regarding theme songs.  In the sixties, theme songs were instrumental.  Seventies, rock songs.  Eighties spawned gleeful jangles most likened to radio jingles for the show, and the nineties were a strange amalgam of clips, whistles, and children screaming.  Then, when it got to the Aughts, you were allowed to experiment.  You had the laid back cool of The Sopranos, the vague unease of the Lost noise, the awesome of Tom Waits and Tom Waits covers on The Wire, and the brilliant instrumentals of The Office and Parks and Rec that convey the joy of the shows.  Somehow, in this renaissance, the worst theme song of television history was born and unleashed on the world. 

I'll take a moment, and assure the ladies in the audience that I am in NO WAY making fun of the show.  I know better than to do that, lest I be besieged in a fast talking flurry of hatred and obscure pop culture references.  Also, please remember, if you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you ever imagined.  Ok?  We good?, that song is the Gilmore Girls theme.  I've been subjected to this treacly monstrosity many times lately, and it never gets better.  It sounds like a nice old lady that just baked cookies for everyone, and she's singing while getting beaten with a sock full of kindness, gentility, and 1922 Liberty Head quarters.  Latin America can't produce as much sickly sweetness in a year as this song does in a minute.  It doesn't even qualify as a throwback to 80's shmaltz.  It's just ungodly, unjustifiably awful.  It is so bad it couldn't even be Steven Segal's theme song.

I haven't seen much of the show.  I assume it is some strange prequel to Supernatural, otherwise Jared Padalecki would have had nothing to do with it.  The more I thought about it, I became convinced this was a very elaborate, extremely lengthy Meta episode of Supernatural where Sam is posing as a teenager named Dean, and Dean is a hot thirty something single mom with an odd daughter that dates Sam/Dean.  For some reason they live in a town where it is perfectly acceptable for a grown man to wear a backwards baseball cap at all time (maybe this is Cass?), and no one is yet sick of Melissa McCarthy. If it isn't, I want the royalties when it gets made. 

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