Monday, October 24, 2011

Dear Citizens of My Neighborhood

So very sorry I am picking blackberries with a flashlight at 11PM.  Not everyone has cushy jobs with set hours that allow them to do gardening during daylight hours.  I had to work today and it was too hot to pick before I went in. 

Also, sorry I am playing Beverly Hills Cop loudly on my garage tv.   I don't have creative ways to make lots of noise when others are sleeping like having a stupid rooster, or having a son with a terrible heavy metal band.  I have to dance around a blackberry bush in the dark, rocking out to Axel F. and gorge myself on sweet, juicy blackberries that are better than anything that any of your children will ever create. 

Finally, I am deeply penitent about the fact that I was shrieking, threw my flashlight, took my shirt off, and threw that into the night. A spider living in my grapes tried to rape my head.  Hopefully I didn't awaken your silken slumber with my unholy cries of horror as an arachnid forcefully tried to take my ear's virginity. 

I hope you get a horrible sunburn, you unsympathetic daywalkers.

Also, dear spider living in my grape arbor,

I sincerely pray that I killed you good. Seriously, I hope you get the spider equivalent of herpi-gonhorr-syphyl-aids.

Say hi to your mother for me in spider hell.

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