Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Dear Family in the Minivan Driving over the Delaware Memorial Bridge

I have bataphobia.  This is not fun for me.  One of the worst places for me is the Delaware Memorial Bridge with its tall towers.  What helps even less is when dear old dad in the minvan ahead of me decides to go ten miles an hour under the speed limit when we get on the bridge.  Ever tried to drive while also trying not to vomit all over yourself and your passengers?  You made this worse for me.  I began to scream at you, until I saw that you were already in your own hell as well.

There is no need for a sane human being to put those ridiculous stick figure family bumper stickers on their car.  Why are you even worse?  Because after stick dad, stick mom, and stick kids, you had four stick figure kitty cats.  My nausea grew threefold, and I knew at that point I had to pass you.  As I sped past your banality-mobile, I yelled out "Why don't you buy some more cat stickers!" 

Sadly, you foresaw my gem of a quip.  As my awesome car pulled along your depression on wheels, it was revealed that YOU PUT MORE CAT STICKERS WRAPPING AROUND TO THE SIDE OF YOUR CAR.  I could see you and the fam, giggling in the garage as you got high snorting piles of cat dander, thinking how you were going to blow everyone's minds when they realized you didn't have four cats, but NINE!

Did we lose a war?  Did your lack of a patriarchal iron fist lead to a cat rebellion?  Are the feline overlords demanding we pay tribute to them on our vehicles?  All I know is at this point, should something terrible happen in your house, you have let the numbers sway out of your favor.  Should a democratic vote be called, be prepared to lay in a swatch of sunlight on the carpet for several hours instead of taking little Billy to the hospital to remove that inflamed appendix.  Cats don't give a damn about appendectomies.  All they care about is sleeping and violence.  They are just smaller, slightly cleaner versions of Danny DeVito, and you have let them into your house in large numbers.  They are going through your things as we speak, because they do not respect you.

No one respects you, because you paid good money to let everyone that sees you drive by know that you and your family suck.

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