Sunday, October 21, 2012

Dear Credit Card Company Merchant Services

"Thank you for calling Viking loving, Alec-Baldwin-ass-kissing Credit Card Supply Center.  Please hold and an associate will be with you shortly.  Please note that the call may be recorded to ensure quality."

This is the message that I listened to for 38 minutes, 12 seconds while you had me on hold at work.  The message would play for 19 seconds, then you would play music for another 20 seconds, and the message would begin again.  With that math, it is safe to assume I heard your announcer woman's nasally, grating voice repeat this roughly 58 times, interspersed with a truly uncomfortable piano concerto version of Metallica's Unforgiven.  I am fairly certain I could bring you on trial for war crimes and win a swift victory. 

Why would I wait on hold for so long?  That would be because you have failed to send me the credit card thermal paper I ordered from you over two weeks ago.  I was told four to seven business days.  Did you mean 4+7 business days?  It has in fact been eleven days, so if you meant that, you would no longer be a bunch of whore liars.

Somewhere around fifteen minutes of this version of oral scabies you set loose on me, I started to think that perhaps you had forgotten to change the on hold message, and that you were in fact out of the office.  Certainly, a credit card company should be available to companies on a Saturday, seeing as how we may need you for authorizations or credit card terminal problems, so that shouldn't be the case.  I instead chose to believe that my call was interrupting some epic game of hide and seek.  I hate hide and seek, so that is why I put one call on speakerphone, then called you from another phone of the desk next to mine.  This was a miscalculation on my part.  The effect of having this in stereo can only really be likened to the time the US Government bombarded Manuel Noriego with Van Halen night and day.  I was ready to hand over all of my control over Panama just to make this torture end.

I sincerely hope you were recording that call.  I hope you have to listen to that tape far longer than I had to listen to yours.  May my soft weeping and pleas for a swift death or the delivery of my thermal paper haunt your dreams. 

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