Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Dear Greg from Last October

Hopefully, my time machine has worked.  If not, fifteen fuzzy little hamsters will have bravely given their lives for science, but nothing will change for me.  If it has worked, then I was able to pierce the fabric of time and get this letter to you.  That in and of itself should prove how serious this is.  Greg, no matter how good of an idea it is, you should not start a blog called "Open Letters to My Enemies".

If you really think about it, this a terrible idea.  You're creating more work for yourself and you are going to have to take time out of your busy writing schedule to do this.  Can you really afford to stop work on that book you've been writing since 2007?  I mean, after over five years, that thing has to be reeeeaaaaallllly long, and it has to be almost finished, right?  Can you afford to tax your unique talent and voice with another writing project?

Don't forget about that podcast you are doing.  I know you said a few weeks ago that you are going to take a short break from it, but you will definitely come back to it.  There is no way that you will have already recorded what will be the last lackluster episode, and then keep making excuses to the five people who tune in.  I totally haven't shut off payment of the website account.  That was a great idea, by the way, to pay more for higher bandwidth.  You never know when that podcast is going to blow up big and exceed your page limitations.  That was a really sound investment. 

Anyway, back to this blog thing.  You aren't a fifteen year old girl who has to let the world know about how great her favorite band or actor is.  There is no reason you need to have a Blogger account.  What exactly do you hope to accomplish with this thing?  Show of your rapier wit?  Fame?  Seriously, we've done sixty of these letters at this point.  You want to know what that got us?  Did you become the next Hyperbole and a Half?  The next The Oatmeal?  You would need over 1000 times the page views we get for each post to get into their level.  Text with Dog is a blog that will start pretty soon after you get this letter.  That guy goes viral in about 2 days.  He got a book deal too.  We will not be going viral.  We will never get the book deal. 

Oh, I know!  You want to impress the ladies!  Yeah, ladies love a man that tries to shame kids a book fair, or engages in an internet war with a song bird.  Posting letters like that is like posting that picture your mom has where she dressed you in a half shirt, short shorts and knee socks when you were five because she obviously didn't respect you, or she wanted you to be single for life.

You might as well just start up a public access tv show where you do Jazzercise with old ladies.  The results will be shockingly similar, and maybe you will actually lose some weight. 

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