Sunday, October 14, 2012

Dear Sleepy Time Sound Machine App

I recently purchased your App for the Kindle Fire.  I have a hard time falling asleep, because nighttime tends to be the time when all the other Gregs that live in my head like to talk to me/ mock me/ remind me of all of the things I forgot to do that day.  I tried your limited access free version, and liked it a good deal, so I went ahead and bought your full version.

I must say, I am big fan of Distant Storm #1 and #2.  The light sound of rain and far off lightning puts me right to sleep.  My mind was actually tricked into thinking it was storming outside at one point.  That is how good you are at capturing these sounds.  I do find that some of your other sounds leave much to be desired. 

I tried your "Camping" sounds out.  I had in mind that there would be soft crackling of a fire, maybe some soft wind, and leaves rustling.  I was basically right, in the same respect that you can say that Necco wafers are a candy.  They are made of sugar, and people pass them out at Halloween, but that doesn't change the fact that they taste like someone ate chalk and green beans and then sneezed into your mouth.  There was crackling, and there was wind.  The crackling sounded like Louie Anderson jogging on bubble wrap, and the wind is reminiscent of the ghostly wails of the damned.

Quickly moving on, I tried out a few of your "Box Fan" sounds for a bit of white noise.  Numbers 1 and 2 sound like vibrators that accidentally turned on in a wooden drawer, and number three sounds like a soft spoken man chuckling in the corner of your room which would be the creepiest setting you have, if not for your "Heartbeat" sound which empties your bowels after 3 minutes. 

The most ridiculous thing you added was "Morning Birds".  Why would someone go to sleep to the sounds of birds?  It makes you feel like your entire night's sleep is your attempt to get ten more minutes of sleep before your alarm goes off.  Why not make a sleep machine sound of an actual alarm clock, or your mother opening your bedroom door and yelling "Stop touching yourself!"?

Actually, I take that back.  The most ridiculous setting is "Microwave".  Who in the living hell gets soothed to sleep by the sound of a microwave?


  1. This is my favorite sleepytime soundtrack:

    1. There was a time when you lived in Cordova where I devised what I can only call a "Terror Machine". It involved a PVC pipe that lead to your window, stereos in the attic, and speakers in the vent system. The bottom line was to make sure you would think your room was haunted and that you would never sleep. I feel like you should thank Spike, because I think he was the one that talked me out of building it.

  2. That would have been the best Christmas ever.


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